Until
by x snow-pony x
Summary: The longest ever chapter I've ever done! :-D I'm not even going to bother with a summary: basically, it's a Tracy/ Mike one-shot based on 'Chain Reaction'. You know what to expect by now! XD Hope you enjoy reading it! :-D


**A/N So, today I got bored and I decided to watch my favourite scenes from 'Chain Reaction' and 'Goodbye Tracy Beaker', and they're all Tracy/ Mike cuteness, so I just thought why not make my own cute Tracy/ Mike thing (again! XD)? So, here it is! Hope you enjoy it. :-D**

 **The cover picture is a screenshot from the end of my last favourite scene in 'Chain Reaction' (I have three), as I always wanted that scene to last longer as it would have been even more adorable than it already was, so now I can have it for as long as I like (and it's an adorable picture!)! XD**

 **Tracy** **POV**

"Mike, there's something I need to tell you..."

"Mike, can I have a word..."

"Mike? Um, well, I..."

I sighed. There was no way I was going to be able to make myself tell Mike that Cam had left me for a year, partly for a job, partly because she said she thought it would be good for me to have some time living by myself.

Well, OK, he already knew that part. I could tell him that part.

What I couldn't tell him was that I absolutely hated it.

I lay on my bed, just wishing there was someone else in the house. That was the nice thing about the dumping ground: there was always someone else there. I picked up my phone; just one call and all this pain would be over...

No! I couldn't do that. I had to be strong, for myself, for Cam, for Mike, for the kids. I couldn't ruin Cam's work, or stop Mike from doing his job properly. No, I had to deal with this myself.

Even though it made me feel like I was breaking inside.

I imagined Mike then, smiling reassuringly at me like he always did, giving me a hug when I needed it, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I turned onto my side and curled up slightly, wishing Mike was here to comfort me now. I wrapped myself up in my duvet, and then continued to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And cry.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

It was 6:00 the next morning. I'd just turned my alarm off and was waiting for a minute before I got up. I wasn't actually due to work until 12:00, but I was fed up of being by myself and just wanted some company.

I quickly got dressed and had something to eat before I set off and made my way to the dumping ground.

* * *

I saw Mike as I came through the front door. It took all of my willpower not to run over to him and break down crying, but somehow I managed it, gave him a quick smile, and made my way to the office.

Mike followed me in. "Ah, Tracy," he said. "There's something I want you to do."

I looked at him. "What is it?"

"I'd like you to sort out the kids' files," said Mike, putting them down on a desk. "Seeing as you're here so early. You don't mind, do you?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not." I then sat down at the desk and began going through the files, sorting them out and throwing away anything that wasn't relevant anymore to stop them from becoming too full.

Mike stayed watching me for a minute. "Why are you here so early anyway?" he asked.

I shrugged, even though I knew exactly why. "Don't know," I said, trying to act casual. "I just felt like it."

Mike laughed. "Are you ill?" He then put his hand on my forehead as a joke, only to find that I was actually a bit warm. "Seriously, are you OK?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." I pushed Mike's hand off my forehead. "Really, Mike, I'm OK."

"If you're sure," said Mike. He then looked me in the eye. "But if there is anything wrong, you know where I am, yeah? And don't hesitate coming to find me: I'm still here to look after you even though you don't live here anymore."

I nodded and smiled at him, even though I felt like crying. Mike still cared about me so much, and I wished I could tell him how I was feeling.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

Until it was too hard to keep it to myself.

* * *

A few hours later it was lunchtime. I had decided to make lunch, and so I was in the kitchen making sandwiches and putting different salad things onto plates.

Just then Tee came in. "Need any help, Tracy?" she asked.

"No thanks," I said, putting some scotch eggs on a plate before Tee helped herself to one.

I laughed. "Oi, greedy pig!" I moved the plate back so she couldn't reach it.

"No I'm not!" said Tee, her mouth full. She then picked up two plates and put them on the table.

I smiled and shook my head before I picked up two plates as well and put them down on the table too.

* * *

"Lunch!" I called.

Immediately I could hear people running down the stairs and I saw Carmen and Lily come into the kitchen. Then Liam and Frank, Gus, Tee and Johnny, Toby, Sapphire and Harry, Gina, and last but not least, Mike.

He smiled as he saw the table. "Good job, Tracy." He then sat down and began to put things on his plate.

Everyone else soon followed, and soon we were all eating happily.

I just wish Liam hadn't brought up the subject of parents.

"I don't know why we have parents," he said. "It would have been so much easier if we had have just been here all our lives."

"Well you have, haven't you?" said Johnny. "Besides, I love our mum. She was really kind to us."

"What, before or after she got that boyfriend of hers to beat you up?" asked Liam.

"Boys," I warned.

"She didn't do that on purpose!" shouted Johnny. As I was about to intervene again he turned on me. "You know she didn't, unlike _your_ mum. She just dumped you here and then walked away."

"Johnny!" said Mike in shock. "Go to your room now!"

Johnny got up, and at the same time I slid my chair back. I wasn't hungry anymore, and I was beginning to struggle to breathe. As I passed Mike he grabbed my arm and then began to get up, but I mumbled that I was fine and then left the room before he could follow me.

This was my problem, so I was going to sort it out.

I went up the stairs into the hall, and then up those stairs so I was standing outside Carmen's bedroom. I then went along the corridor, turned right, and went into the toy cupboard. I put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in the door before I closed it and sat down on the floor.

And that's when I finally stopped holding my breath.

It was scary. As soon as I tried to breathe again, my body wouldn't let me do it. I was breathing in and out too fast to be able to get any proper air in, and I didn't know how to stop it.

I wished that Mike was here: he'd have known what was happening and what to do about it, and would have comforted me as much as he could.

But I was on my own.

It carried on like this for a minute or two until my breathing finally slowed. I took a few deep breaths before I felt tears coming to my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop them from rolling down my cheeks.

I didn't have a clue what had just happened, but I wasn't about to ask.

This was my problem, and it wouldn't be fair to make anyone else help me.

It wouldn't be fair.

It wouldn't be fair.

It wouldn't be fair.

Until there was no other way to cope.

* * *

After a few minutes there was a knock at the door.

"Tracy?" said a voice. "Are you in there?"

It was Mike.

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me, before I quickly wiped my tears away and opened the door.

"You OK?" asked Mike looking at me in concern.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed some time out, that's all."

"Good," said Mike, smiling at me. He then noticed the tear marks. "Have you been crying?"

I quickly shook my head. "No."

Mike said nothing as he took my hand and led me down into the office.

* * *

When we got there he took a seat, and then gestured for me to do the same.

"Are you OK?" he asked. "Johnny shouldn't have said what he did, and I just wanted to make sure you weren't upset about it."

"No, I don't mind," I lied. "Well, it was true."

"He still had no right to say it," said Mike. He stood up. "I'll go and talk to him now." He rubbed my shoulder before he left the room.

I sighed as Mike left. I knew I should tell him how I was feeling, what had happened, but I couldn't bring myself to. It just seemed so unfair that Mike should have to deal with everything I was dealing with, on top of everything he already did for the kids here.

No, I wouldn't tell him.

Not yet, anyway.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Until I was about to break.

* * *

The next day I came in through the front door of Elm Tree House and went into the office. As usual, Mike was in there.

"Morning, Tracy," he said. He looked at me and saw my pale face and the bags under my eyes. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, putting my bag down on the floor.

"Are you sure?" asked Mike. "You look really tired."

"I said I'm fine," I said, sitting down at the desk opposite him.

"If there's anything you want to talk about..." began Mike.

"I said I'm fine, alright?" I said, standing up again. "Just leave me alone!"

And with that I left the room, a single tear rolling down my cheek.

* * *

After I'd left the office I made my way up the stairs and into the attic. Once I was there I found an old chair and sat on it, letting my tears fall freely.

Why was this so hard? Why couldn't something in my life be simple for once?

Just then I heard footsteps, and then I saw Mike's head appear at the top of the stairs.

"Tracy?" he called. "Tracy, are you up here?"

I answered a very quiet yes.

Mike heard me, and made his way over to where I was sitting. I quickly wiped away my tears and then composed myself so I wouldn't start crying in front of Mike.

It wasn't that I was embarrassed or anything: I'd passed that a long time ago. It was that, if I cried, Mike would know I was upset and wouldn't leave me alone until he knew the whole story. And he didn't deserve that.

"What happened?" he asked, looking at me in concern.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I said. "Nothing happened."

"Why did you come up here then?" asked Mike.

"Because you kept asking me if I was OK, which I am, and you wouldn't stop asking me, and I didn't know where else to go that I could be on my own," I said. I then felt tears coming to my eyes again.

 _Blink. Blink. Blink._

Too late. A tear slipped out of my eye and began to make its way down my cheek before Mike wiped it away.

"That doesn't suggest to me that you're OK," said Mike. His face softened and he took my hand. "Please, Trace. Just tell me what's going on."

I shook my head. "There's nothing going on, there's nothing wrong, I'm fine, and that was just a piece of dust that got in my eye," I said, trying to convince Mike once and for all that I was OK.

I stood up and Mike sighed, before he let go of my hand and let me pass. I went down the stairs, onto the landing, down the next set of stairs, along the corridor and then into the bathroom. When I got in there I locked the door, before I sat on the floor and let my tears flow freely.

And flow.

And flow.

And flow.

Until there were no tears left to cry.

* * *

That evening I was on my laptop when Cam called. I pressed the accept button and her face came onto the screen.

"Hey, Tracy!" she said in an extra cheery voice that I hadn't heard for a long time. "I've got some great news!"

"Hey," I said, not even half as cheerily. "What is it?"

"Well, you know me and Gary didn't work out?" she said, the smile on her face getting wider.

"Yes..." I said, having a feeling I knew where this was going.

"Well I met someone today, and he's amazing!" said Cam, beaming from ear to ear. "He's called Daniel, and we're going on a date tomorrow!"

I put on a massive fake smile. "Wow, that's brilliant!" I said, trying my hardest to sound enthusiastic.

Cam smiled. "If it all goes well, he'll move into the flat when I come back," she said. "You'll probably want your own place by then, so we'll have the flat to ourselves. Obviously you can stay if you want, but you'd probably want to be on your own, because you're loving having the flat to yourself, aren't you?"

"Yeah, it's great," I lied. "I'd love to be able to get my own flat."

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then," said Cam. "Wish me luck for the date!"

"Good luck," I said. I smiled at her. "Bye, Cam."

"Bye," said Cam. "Love you."

"Love you too," I said, before I ended the call.

And then I let the tears fall.

And then I began to sob.

And then I couldn't breathe.

I closed the laptop as I struggled to get air in, before I pushed it away, put my arms on the table, and rested my head in my hands.

 _Breathe, Tracy,_ I said to myself in my head. _Breathe._

"Mike..." I said, unable to get more than more word out. "Mike..."

I longed for Mike to put his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be alright, but I couldn't have that.

Then I spotted my phone.

Just one call and Mike could come and see me. One call and everything would be alright...

 _NO!_ I shouted inside my head, before I began to scream quietly. I still couldn't breathe, and I was scared that I might get so little breath in that I might pass out, or even die.

It was worse than last time, and I was scared.

Really scared.

Really, _really_ scared.

And then it stopped.

Finally I could take deep breaths again, filling my lungs with oxygen. I did this for a bit before my whole body calmed down, and then I stood up on my shaky legs. I nearly fell over and had to grab the table for support.

"Come on, Tracy," I said, trying to keep my balance. "You can do it. You have to do it."

Somehow I managed it, and I made my way to my bed where I was finally able to collapse.

And then the tears came.

I cried for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a few minutes. The tears rolled down my cheeks until my pillow was soaking wet, and then my duvet began to get wet too. I just cried and cried and cried, wishing that I was able to tell Mike what was going on and have him help me.

But I couldn't, so I was just stuck here crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Until I couldn't cry anymore.

* * *

The next morning I almost ran to the dumping ground. I just felt so scared, and I needed to be with someone.

I was out of breath as I ran through the front door, and Mike looked at me in concern.

"Tracy?" he said, the worry clear in his voice. "Why are you running? You're four hours early."

I bent over, trying to get my breath back, Mike watching.

Suddenly Carmen and Lily came running into the hallway, shouting at each other and Mike about some or other argument they'd had.

Mike silenced them. "Go ask Gina to sort it out." He gave me a meaning look. "I'm talking to Tracy."

"But..." began Carmen.

"No buts," said Mike. "Go and find her."

Carmen sighed, and they went off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Come with me," said Mike.

I could hear a slightly angry tone in his voice, and I followed him obediently into the office, not wanting him to shout at me.

"Take a seat," he said when we got there.

I sat down, looking at the floor.

"Why are you here so early?" asked Mike. "And on top of that, why are you running if you're so early?"

I sighed. "I, um, well..."

"Trace?" asked Mike.

I just shook my head. "I don't know."

Tears began to make their way down my cheeks, and I sniffled.

"Hey," said Mike. He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't force you. But there's something wrong, and you won't tell me what it is, and I just want to help."

"I know," I said.

"So why won't you tell me?" asked Mike.

I took a deep breath, knowing a shouldn't lie, but feeling I had no choice. "Because there's nothing wrong apart from the fact that I'm tired because I haven't been sleeping that well, and that's not really that important."

"Why aren't you sleeping?" asked Mike.

I shrugged.

Mike sighed. "Look, if there's anything you want to talk to me about..."

I interrupted him, feeling that getting angry was the easiest option. "There's nothing wrong, OK?" I sighed. "Look, just leave me alone."

I got up and left the office, Mike doing nothing to stop me as he watched me go.

* * *

Later on I was sitting in the living room. Everyone was in there: Carmen, Tee and Lily were watching TV; Liam, Frank, Toby and Johnny were playing pool; Elektra was on the computer; Sapphire was reading Harry a story; and Gus was sitting at the table, making notes in his notebook.

I was sat on the sofa, next to Tee.

"Tracy?" said Tee, shaking my shoulder as I began to fall asleep. "Are you alright?"

I nodded tiredly.

"Tracy." Toby was here now. "Tracy, are you OK?"

"I said I was fine," I said sleepily. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"But you're not allowed to fall asleep now," said Gus. "You can only go to sleep at night. And you can only go to sleep in a bed."

I sighed. "Gus, that doesn't matter, OK? I'm tired, so I'm having a rest, yeah? I'm allowed to do that."

"No you're not!" said Gus. "You're only allowed to sleep at bed time, and it's not bed time!"

I sighed again and stood up, before I began to leave the room.

However, the kids had other ideas.

"Gus!" shouted Carmen. "Now look what you've done!"

"Leave him alone, Carmen," said Tee. "Come on, Gus, let's find somewhere else to go shall we?"

"But I don't want to go anywhere else!" said Gus. "I want to stay in here!"

"Just come on, Gus!" shouted Tee, losing her temper.

"Come on, Gus," said Liam, coming forward. "Let's go to the kitchen, yeah?"

"But I want to stay in here!" said Gus.

"Yeah, but you've upset Tracy," said Johnny, also coming forward.

"Johnny, just leave it," said Liam.

"Or what?" said Johnny, getting angry.

"Or this," said Liam. He suddenly launched at Johnny, pushing him to the ground.

As the conversation was going on, I was listening, wanting them to all stop arguing. Then when the fight started, it was horrible.

"Boys, stop!" I said, going to break up the fight.

However, my coordination was terrible after not sleeping properly the night before, and I stumbled, just as Johnny's fist hit my face.

"Ow!" I said, putting my hand over my eye. I sank to the floor, the tears beginning to flow, before I felt a now familiar feeling.

My breathing began to speed up and I began to panic.

 _Not again_ , I thought to myself. _No, not again!_

I sat there on the floor, my breathing rapid, as the kids began to look at me.

"Tracy?" said Tee worriedly. "What's happening?"

"Are you alright?" asked Toby.

"Someone should go and get Mike," said Johnny.

I quickly shook my head. "No..." I said. I tried to form the sentence again. "No..."

 _No, you can't tell Mike,_ I thought. _It's not fair. I can't do that to him. I have to keep this to myself. I have to stay strong._

I don't know how long I was sitting there, but it felt like ages. I couldn't control my breathing, and I still didn't know what was happening.

"Tracy, do you want me to help you up?" Liam was by my side, holding out his hand.

I shook my head.

"Let me help," said Johnny, also coming over.

I shook my head harder, and my breathing sped up even more.

"Alright," said Johnny, backing away.

I sat there for a few more minutes, before my breathing went back to normal. I took a few deep breaths as I looked up at the kids.

I smiled at them. "You don't need to tell Mike about this," I said. I paused for a moment, trying to think of an explanation for what had just happened. I still didn't know what was happening every time my body did that, so I made something up. "It was just something I like to call an energy booster. Basically, when I'm really tired, my body needs more energy, so it increases my breathing which increases my heart rate."

"Like when you run?" asked Harry.

I gave him a smile. "Exactly like that." I looked at them seriously. "So, don't mention it to Mike, OK?"

Everyone nodded.

I smiled again. "Right," I said, getting up. "You can get back to what you were doing, I'm just going to go to the office."

I watched as everyone went back to doing what they had been doing before, before I made my way to the office.

* * *

When I got there, Mike was sitting at his desk. As he lifted his head to see who it was I gave him a smile.

"Hey, Tracy," said Mike, giving me a smile back. He then looked me in the eye. "Are you OK?"

I nodded, putting on a false smile. "Yeah, I'm absolutely fine." I sat down, and was unable to stop the tear escaping my eye.

"Hey," said Mike, wheeling his chair over to me. "What's wrong?"

I just shook my head and looked to the floor. "Nothing."

Another tear fell.

"Come here," said Mike, enveloping me in a hug. I hugged him back, desperately trying not to sob.

"It's alright," said Mike, holding me tighter. "It's OK."

I relaxed slightly, feeling safe for the first time in weeks. It was then I knew that Mike would always try to help me, even if he didn't know what was wrong.

And so I let him hold me.

Hold me.

Hold me.

Hold me.

Until I realised I couldn't let him see I was hurting.

* * *

A minute or so later I pulled back slightly and looked up at Mike.

"What's wrong?" asked Mike gently. "Why are you so upset?"

I gave a small fake laugh. "Oh, nothing, I'm just tired." I gave another laugh. "Look at me, crying because I'm tired. I'm such an idiot."

Mike gave a smile, showing me he'd fallen for my lie.

"Um, well, I should go and see what the others are up to, so..." I trailed off, flashed Mike a quick smile, and then left the room.

But, as I closed the door behind me, I'm sure I heard Mike say something.

"You don't cry that much from just being tired."

* * *

I went back to the living room to check everyone was alright, went down to the kitchen to get a drink, and then went back to the office.

"Mike," I said as I entered. "You know my shift finishes in an hour?"

Mike nodded.

"Um, well, could I go home now?" I looked at him hopefully: I didn't actually want to go home and be by myself, but I needed somewhere I could sort myself out without anyone finding out what was wrong.

"Um, well..." began Mike.

"I can do the extra hour tomorrow," I said quickly.

Mike sighed and gestured for me to sit down. "Tracy, what's wrong?"

I gave him a fake smile. "Nothing."

Mike looked me in the eye. "Come on, Trace, I can see something's wrong." He sighed. "You're not yourself."

"Aren't I?" I said, pretending I hadn't noticed. "I hadn't realised."

Mike gave me a look, before look of worry came over his face. "What happened to your eye?" he asked, gently touching the red part around my left eye.

I flinched from the pain, pulling away slightly.

"Sorry, sorry," said Mike, pulling his arm back.

"It was Johnny," I said, answering the question he'd asked. "Him and Liam started fighting earlier. I tried to break it up, but my coordination was awful, and I didn't move out of the way in time."

"You poor thing," said Mike. He paused. "You need to get some ice on that."

"No, I'm fine," I said. "It doesn't hurt."

"Well it looks very painful to me," said Mike. "And you looked like you were in pain when I touched it just now."

"I said I was alright," I said. It would be unfair on Mike, making him help me, and I just needed to sort myself out and then deal with everything life threw at me. "Really, Mike, I'm OK."

"Stop lying to me, Tracy," said Mike. "I can see you're hurting."

"I'm not," I said. I knew I just needed to go home and rest a bit to make sure Mike wouldn't suspect anything else, but it didn't look like he was going to let me go.

"Please, Tracy," said Mike. He took hold of my hand, but I pulled it away, deciding that enough was enough.

"No," I said. "Look, I'm fine, I just want to go home. Am I allowed to?"

Mike gave a reluctant nod.

I got up and began to put on my coat, Mike watching. I could see in his face that he was upset, but I knew I couldn't tell him what was wrong. I put on my coat, picked up my bag and then opened the office door.

I gave Mike a quick smile. "Bye, Mike. See you tomorrow."

And he could only watch as I went out of the door, into the hall, and out of the house.

* * *

When I got home I opened the door and gave a shaky sigh. I hoped I hadn't given too much away, because I didn't want Mike to be on my case.

I went over to the sofa and sat down shakily, my legs shaking.

"It's alright, Tracy," I said to myself. "It's alright."

I knew it made me look stupid, but talking to myself and telling myself everything was going to be OK seemed the only way to calm myself.

And besides, there was no one here to see it anyway.

I just felt so confused. I was upset about Cam going to New York, but that was about all I knew. I didn't know why I kept being not able to breathe, I didn't know what was happening to my body every time that happened. I was scared that it was going to happen again, and I didn't know how to stop it.

But on the other hand I didn't want to tell Mike what was wrong, because I didn't want to hurt him. He'd already done so much for me, and I didn't want him to have to do anything more.

And with the, whatever they were, things, when I couldn't breathe, it seemed like I should keep them a secret. I didn't know why, but it seemed like to tell someone about them would be the wrong thing to do.

And even though my head told me I should tell, my heart said I shouldn't.

And my heart was winning.

So I would keep my secret a little longer.

A little longer.

A little longer.

A little longer.

Until I couldn't keep it anymore.

* * *

The next morning I was exhausted. I hadn't had any sleep, I'd only just woken up on time, I'd just thrown on some random clothes that I hoped looked nice and run a brush through my hair, I'd skipped breakfast, and then I'd left.

I didn't think I'd ever felt so awful.

From the look on Mike's face I didn't think I'd ever looked so awful either.

"Tracy?" he said as I came through the office door. "Are you alright?"

I stopped as Mike faded to black, and then reappeared again once the dizziness spell had passed. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "Just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Your eyes are all puffy," said Mike. "Did you spend the night crying?"

"No, of course I didn't," I said. It couldn't have been further from the truth. By the time I'd finished crying the night before I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open, and then I'd only had an hour's sleep before I had to get up.

"Please, Tracy," said Mike. "I just want to help, please tell me what's wrong."

"I'm tired, that's all," I said. "I'll be alright soon."

Mike didn't look convinced, but he didn't press me further. For that I was grateful, because as soon as I left the room and went into the quiet room my knees buckled, and I fell to the floor.

Any later and Mike would have seen.

At least now my secret was still safe.

And it was just that.

A secret.

A secret.

A secret.

A secret.

Until it was hurting too much to keep.

* * *

After a quick tour of the house to see what everyone was doing, I made my way back to the office and sat down on a chair, resting my head in my hands when I saw there was nobody else in there.

"Tracy, are you alright?" Mike came up from behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder, making me jump. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"Just leave me alone," I said tiredly. "Please."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," said Mike.

I think Mike then realised he'd made a mistake, trying to force me, but I realised that he must be so worried about me that he didn't know what else to do.

"I said I'm OK," I said. "There's nothing wrong."

"You and I both know there is," said Mike. I heard him go and close the door before he came and sat opposite me. "Talk to me. I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to."

I'm not really sure why it happened- it was probably because I'd been losing so much sleep lately- but I panicked. I quickly stood up, my legs shaking.

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, the fear clear in my voice. "Please, just leave me alone!"

Mike put his hands up in defeat, and I relaxed slightly.

And then Gina walked in.

"Tracy, I could hear you from in the hallway," she said. Her face softened. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" I shouted, the fear building up inside of me again. "Just leave me alone!"

"Tracy, stop shouting," said Gina. "You're causing a scene, and in a minute all the kids..."

"I'll deal with this," interrupted Mike. He gave Gina a look, and she left the office, closing the door behind her.

"I'm sorry," said Mike. "I won't force you to tell, OK?"

I gave a small nod.

"But..." Mike trailed off. "Please tell me. At some point. Please?"

I almost told him then. But something in the back of my head told me not to. Told me that I should keep everything secret.

"Tracy?" said Mike. He held out his arms, but I shook my head, even though it broke me in two.

"There's nothing wrong," I said. "I'm just tired, that's why I got snappy just now."

Mike nodded, even though I could tell he didn't believe me.

"I, um, I'd better go," I said. "Lots to do, you know."

And then I left the office, my heart breaking.

Breaking.

Breaking.

Breaking.

Until I felt the last bit crack.

* * *

Later that day I was cooking dinner. Tee, Harry, Gus and Sapphire were in the kitchen as I stood at the stove, stirring the contents of a saucepan.

"What are we having?" asked Tee.

"Spaghetti Bolognaise," I said, tapping the spoon on the edge of the pan.

"But I don't like spaghetti Bolognaise unless Gina cooks it!" said Gus, coming up to the counter.

"I'm using the exact same recipe, I'm doing everything the same," I said.

"But you're Tracy! Gina should be cooking it," said Gus.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "Please, Gus, not now."

"But you are making it now!" said Gus. "And it should be Gina making it!"

"Gus, stop it!" said Tee, probably having seen my tear. "Tracy will make it taste really nice, and..."

"But she's not Gina!" said Gus desperately. "Gina should be making it."

I slammed the spoon down. "Fine, I'll go and get Gina, shall I?"

Gus nodded.

I left the room and headed to the office, hoping to find Gina. I was beginning to struggle to breathe, and just hoped that I'd be able to tell her to go to the kitchen before it went really bad.

When I got there, however, there was no Gina. There was only one person in there.

Mike.

I tried desperately to get my breathing under control. I was beginning to get dizzy, but the fact that I couldn't breathe wasn't too noticeable at the moment. If only I could stop it...

I knew I couldn't let Mike see my feelings. I knew I had to keep my guard up.

But it was too late.

I sank to the floor, shaking my head as Mike jumped up from his seat. When I got there I curled into a ball, my face down, my breath coming in rapid gasps.

I heard Mike kneel down next to me and take my hand, squeezing it before he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. It calmed me, but I still wasn't able to get my breathing under control.

"Breathe, Tracy," said Mike softly. "In, and out. In, and out. In, and out."

I tried, I really did, but it wasn't working. This time was even worse than last time, and it wasn't long before I was breathing so fast I couldn't get oxygen in, breathing so fast I began to feel sick, breathing so fast I began to panic.

Breathing so fast I thought I was going to die.

"Don't panic, Tracy," said Mike. "You're having a panic attack, you'll be alright in a minute."

I tried not to panic, but it was hard. I still couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't get enough air in. It felt like I was suffocating.

"Come on, Trace," said Mike, squeezing my hand again. "You can do it."

 _I can't!_ I screamed inside my head. _I can't!_

I then began to scream quietly, trying not to let my absolute terror show.

Just then I heard Gina walk in.

"Tracy?" she said, concerned. "Mike, what's wrong with Tracy?"

I couldn't see, but Mike mouthed the words 'panic attack' to Gina, and Gina nodded, before she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Suddenly my breathing went back to normal. I took a deep breath, letting my body collapse slightly.

"Good girl, Tracy," said Mike, rubbing my hand. "Good girl."

I took a few deep breaths before I answered him, my eyes full of tears. "No I'm not. I'm horrible."

"No, don't say that," said Mike. "Of course you're not horrible."

"I am," I said. "I've put you through this, it's not fair, and I should have dealt with it myself."

"No you shouldn't have," said Mike. He then saw the tears in my eyes. "Come here."

I couldn't fight it anymore. I let Mike scoop my body into his arms and hold me close, rocking me gently.

"Shh," he said as I began to cry. "Shh, shh."

My body felt limp as I cried, feeling exhausted. The panic attack, as Mike had called it, had taken it out of me, and there wasn't much else I could do than just sit there in Mike's arms.

"You've been really brave," said Mike. "Really, really brave. But now it's time for me to take over, yeah?"

I shook my head weakly.

"Yes, Tracy," said Mike. "You need to let people help you. So let me take over, yeah?"

I nodded weakly, my body collapsing onto Mike more and more with each sob.

"Good girl," said Mike, beginning to stroke my hair. He then just held me, on the floor, until I stopped crying.

"What's wrong?" asked Mike.

I looked up at him. "I'm so sorry, Mike. I thought it would be best for you if I didn't tell you anything, if I just kept it to myself, if I..."

Mike took my hand. "But it wasn't the best for you, was it?" he said. "That's what you should have done. You shouldn't have tried to protect me from what was hurting you when it was breaking you from the inside."

"But the kids, they needed you, and..." I trailed off, knowing that Mike would understand.

"But you are one of the kids, to me," said Mike. "Just because you work here, doesn't mean that I can't look after you like I look after the kids."

"But you shouldn't have to," I said. "Even Cam thinks I'll be ready for my own flat next year."

"Should we go to the quiet room?" asked Mike, sensing I was ready to talk.

I nodded.

"OK," said Mike. He got up, and then put his hands under my arms and lifted me up too.

I could feel my legs shaking as I stood up, and when I tried to take a step I was going to fall over before Mike caught me.

"I'll help you," he said. "Let's just take this nice and slowly, yeah?"

I nodded, before Mike supported me and we began to walk to the quiet room.

"Good girl, Tracy," said Mike. "You're doing really well."

It was nice to hear Mike saying things like that to me. Previously I'd just had to try and calm myself down, which didn't usually work as I had no idea what to say or do. But now I had Mike supporting me, physically and mentally, and it made me feel a whole lot better.

"Nearly there," said Mike, still supporting me with every step I took. "You're doing really well, just a few more steps."

When we got to the quiet room Mike stopped in front of a sofa. It was then that my legs gave way, and Mike had to use all his strength just to get me on the sofa. He then went to get some cushions.

"Lie down on these," he said, once he'd arranged them. I did as I was told, letting my body sink into the sofa.

Mike sat opposite me and smiled at me. "You did really well, Trace."

"I only walked from the office to the quiet room," I said. "I do it all the time."

"But you don't normally do it when you're this upset and your legs can't hold your weight anymore," said Mike. "That took a lot, and you did really well."

I smiled at Mike, before I began to cry. I couldn't stop as the tears rolled down my cheeks and my body shook with sobs.

Mike was next to me in an instant, wrapping his arms around me, shushing me gently.

"I'm sorry," I hiccuped. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Don't be sorry," said Mike. "It's not your fault: you're just upset."

"I'm sorry for not telling you either," I said. "I just thought it would be for the best, and that I'd be able to cope, and..."

I broke off and took a shaky inhale, and then hugged Mike close.

"You're OK, Tracy," said Mike, rubbing my back. "You're my little Tracy, and you always will be. I'll always look after you."

"Really?" I asked through my sobs.

Mike nodded. "Really." He then began to rock me. "Shh, there's a good girl," he said. "Just try and relax."

I continued to cry as he comforted me, just letting out all of the pain and everything that had been hurting me as he held me, and I relaxed in his arms.

Eventually I stopped crying and looked up at Mike.

"You know Cam's gone away?" I said.

Mike nodded. "Yeah, you told me that a few weeks ago."

"I hate it," I said. "It's horrible going into that flat, all by myself. I just hate it."

"Have you told her?" asked Mike.

I shook my head. "I didn't want to ruin the job for her."

Mike sighed. "So you've gone through all this for Cam?"

I nodded. "After all she's done for me in the past, I didn't think it would be fair to ask that of her. She absolutely loves it." I paused. "And she's got a boyfriend."

"When did you find that out?" Mike asked gently.

"Last night," I said. "She said that she's met someone, and if it goes well they'll move here together after the year. She said I could stay, but it was quite obvious she'd prefer it if I got my own place."

"Because she thinks that's what you'd like," said Mike. "If she knew how much you hated living on your own she'd never throw you out."

"I am 21 though," I said. "I should get my own place."

"You don't have to," said Mike. "I didn't move out until I was 25."

"Really?" I said, slightly shocked.

"I didn't want to leave my parents," Mike explained. "And they, like Cam, were never going to make me leave home if I didn't want to."

I sighed: I'd got myself into a right mess, before I took a deep breath. "Mike?"

"Yeah?" said Mike, smiling at me.

"Can I, can I stay here tonight?" I asked, mentally crossing my fingers as I willed him to say yes.

Mike smiled. "Of course you can," he said. "Just go and get your stuff at some point, and then you can have the spare staff bedroom, yeah?"

I nodded, my eyes glistening with tears at his kindness.

"Come here," said Mike. He sat on the sofa and I sat up next to him, before I rested my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me.

"It's OK," he said as I began to cry. "It's alright. I'm here."

I began to relax in his arms when I felt something wet land on my head. I looked up to see Mike was crying.

"Mike, I'm so sorry," I said. "Really, I am."

Mike just shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault."

I moved closer to him so I could put my arms around him, and then gave him a hug, hugging him tightly. I felt him do the same thing back to me, and we just sat there, comforting each other as we cried.

Mike then kissed the top of my head. I immediately felt calm, and for the first time in a long time I knew there was someone still to look after me.

And that someone was Mike.

Mike.

Mike.

Mike.

Until the day we parted.

* * *

A few minutes later I stopped crying. I looked up at Mike, who smiled at me, before I rested my head on his chest again.

"You feeling better now?" he asked.

I nodded: telling Mike and allowing him to help me had been the right thing to do. "Yeah. Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Mike. He rubbed my shoulder. "Have you had any other panic attacks, before the one you had today?"

I nodded. "Three." I looked up at Mike. "They weren't as bad as this one though."

Mike began to rub my back. "Scary, aren't they?" he said.

I nodded.

"When did you have the other three?" asked Mike.

"When Johnny said that thing about Mum, and when Cam said about her boyfriend and about me moving out," I said.

Mike was silent for a moment, before he realised. "So that's why you were in the toy cupboard."

I nodded.

He then looked at me. "Wait a minute. You said three. That was only two."

I took a deep breath. "I had one yesterday, in front of the kids." I sighed. "I told them not to say anything."

"How?" asked Mike. "I thought they'd be worried about you."

I looked at Mike worriedly. "I told them it was something called an energy booster, because I was so tired and needed more energy."

"You didn't... Oh, Tracy," said Mike.

"I didn't know what it was," I said, trying to justify what I'd done.

Mike hugged me tighter, and I relaxed, relieved to have told him the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked gently.

"I didn't want you to have to help me, because you already had enough to deal with," I said. Seeing his face I quickly added, "But now if I have one I'll come and find you straight away."

Mike smiled. "And that's what you should do," he said, hugging me close again. "It's what I'm here for."

I rested my head on his chest again, before I closed my eyes and began to take deep breaths, feeling safe in Mike's arms.

In, and out.

In, and out.

In, and out.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

When I woke up Mike was sitting on the floor next to me, and I was lying on the sofa.

"Hello," he said, smiling at me. "You feeling better?"

I nodded: that sleep had done me the world of good.

"Do you want to come to the kitchen with me?" he asked.

I nodded, before I stood up and followed him to the kitchen.

* * *

When we got there he pushed a plate that had a sandwich on it in front of me.

"You missed lunch," he said, smiling at me.

I picked up the sandwich and began to eat it. "How long was I asleep?"

"A good few hours," said Mike. "I was sitting with you the whole time."

I smiled: that showed just how much Mike cared.

"You look as if you needed it," said Mike. "The way you came in this morning..."

He trailed off as I remembered how I'd been feeling. The difference half a day could make was extraordinary.

"Thank you, for, you know," I said, "helping me. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't have been there."

Mike smiled. "It's my job, kiddo," he said, making me smile.

* * *

"I'll go and get my stuff in a minute," I said, wiping my mouth when I'd finished the sandwich.

"OK," said Mike. "Do you want me to come with you?"

I looked at him hopefully. "Would you?"

Mike smiled. "Of course I will." He got his car keys out of his pocket. "I'll drive: you still don't look that great."

"Thanks," I said, flashing him a smile. To be honest I didn't feel that well: I was worrying about Cam's date. On one hand I wanted it all to go well for her, so that she would be happy, but on the other hand I wanted it to go really badly, so it would stay just the two of us.

"Tracy?" said Mike, interrupting my thoughts. "You ready?"

I nodded, before I followed him out to the car.

* * *

When we got to the flat I just sat in the car, not making an effort to get out.

"Tracy?" said Mike as he came round to my side of the car. "Are you alright?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I just feel a bit, shaky, that's all."

"Do you want a hand?" he asked.

I nodded, before I swung my legs out of the car. They were both shaking.

"Oh, Tracy," said Mike. He reached for my hands and then held them as he helped me out of the car. As soon as my legs touched the pavement they started shaking uncontrollably, and the rest of my body quickly followed.

"Hey, it's alright," said Mike, holding me steady. "It's OK, I'm here. We're just getting your stuff and then we're going straight back to the dumping ground, yeah?"

I nodded. Mike took me in his arms, and as he hugged me I gradually stopped shaking.

"Good girl, Trace," said Mike, holding me close. "Just remember that you're staying at the dumping ground tonight, and that you won't have to be on your own until you feel you're ready, yeah?"

I nodded, then pulled out of the embrace. "Let's go."

Mike smiled at me, before he helped me into the flat.

* * *

Half an hour later we'd packed everything I wanted into the car.

"You ready to go?" asked Mike.

I nodded.

"Let's go then," said Mike. We got into the car before Mike drove back to the dumping ground.

* * *

When we got there Mike helped me take my stuff up to the staff bedroom.

"Right," he said. "I know you're still supposed to be working, but with everything that's happened today I'm going to give you a break, although it would be helpful if you could tell me if anything happens or anything like that. So, you can just do what you want, and I'll see you when you come down."

I nodded. "OK. Thanks, Mike."

Mike smiled. "No problem, kiddo." He patted my shoulder before he left me to sort my room out.

* * *

A little while later I came down the stairs and went into the office. Mike was sitting at his desk and smiled at me as I came in.

"You all sorted?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yep."

"I have an idea for you," said Mike. "Tee, Carmen and Lily are in the living room playing a game. Do you want to go and join them?"

"Yeah, OK," I said. I then looked Mike in the eye. "Mike, have you told them?"

"Told them what?" asked Mike.

"About what happened earlier," I said.

"No," said Mike. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to tell them or not."

"Not today," I said. "I might tell them tomorrow."

"OK," said Mike, smiling at me. "Go on, go play with the girls."

I smiled back, before I left the room.

* * *

After a few games of cards and watching some TV with Tee, Carmen and Lily, I went back to the office to talk to Mike.

"Mike," I said as I sat down on a chair. "I'm going to call Cam in a minute, and I was just wondering what I should tell her."

"About today?" asked Mike. When I nodded he continued. "Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you don't like being in the flat by yourself, just, tell her the truth."

"And she won't hate me?" I said anxiously.

"She loves you, Tracy. She'll want to do what's best for you, like we all do," said Mike, giving me a smile.

I gave a small smile back. "OK." I got up. "Thanks, Mike."

"No problem, kiddo," said Mike, before I left the office and went up to my bedroom.

* * *

When I got there I sat on my bed with my laptop and turned it on. I then sent a message to Cam asking her if we could talk, and a few seconds later Cam appeared on the screen.

But she wasn't alone.

"Hey, Tracy!" she said as soon as the screen showed her. Then she saw what was behind me. "Where are you? That doesn't look like your bedroom."

"I'm at the dumping ground," I explained. "Mike wanted me to stay overnight."

"Oh, OK," said Cam. She then looked to the person next to her, a brown haired man about her age. "This is Daniel. Daniel, this is my daughter, Tracy."

"Hi," said Daniel, waving to me.

I smiled at him before I turned my attention back to Cam. "Um, Cam, could I talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah, of course," said Cam.

"In private," I said, looking quickly to Daniel and then back to Cam.

"Yeah, sure," said Cam. "Daniel, could you..."

"Yeah, sure," said Daniel, before he left the room.

"What is it, Trace?" asked Cam.

I took a deep breath. _Here we go!_

"I, well, I don't like having the flat to myself," I said. "It gets really lonely."

"Why did you say you liked it then?" asked Cam.

"I didn't want to ruin your job," I said. "I just wanted to try and cope by myself so no one else had to help me. I took a deep breath. "Cam?"

"Yeah?" said Cam.

I took another deep breath. "I, I had a panic attack today. Everything just got too much and..."

I trailed off, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Oh, Tracy," said Cam. "I can come back if you want me to..."

"No!" said a voice quickly. "Cam, you can't leave. This is an amazing opportunity for you!"

"Daniel?" I said in shock. "Were you listening to the whole thing?"

Daniel came into the screen, nodding. "I just wanted to know what you were saying, and..."

"But it doesn't matter, does it, Tracy?" said Cam quickly. "I mean, it's not exactly a secret or..."

"It took a lot of courage to tell you that!" I shouted. "And you don't even care!"

Cam looked shocked. "Tracy, I do care, I..."

Too late. I exited the call.

I then closed down the laptop and went to make my way to the office, my breathing speeding up.

Only I didn't get very far.

As soon as I left my room I saw Mike, and he saw me. He came quickly towards me and helped me onto my bed, before putting my laptop on the floor. He then enveloped me in a hug.

"Shh," he said. "It's OK, Tracy, it's alright. Just breathe for me."

I hugged Mike tight as I struggled to breathe, and he held me close.

"It's alright, Tracy, I'm here," he said. "It's alright."

Suddenly I felt trapped, and I wriggled out of Mike's hold, quietly screaming in fright.

Mike took my hand and squeezed it tight. "It's OK, Tracy. I'm not leaving. I'm right here." He paused. "Just slow your breathing down, yeah? In, and out. In, and out. In, and out."

I tried to copy Mike, but it wouldn't work. I looked up at him in fright.

"Just try to relax, Tracy," said Mike, squeezing my hand again. "It will be over soon."

As if on cue, my breathing returned to normal. I pushed myself up as I took a few deep breaths to fill my lungs with oxygen again, before I hugged Mike. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

"What happened?" Mike asked gently.

"I told Cam what happened today, and how I was feeling, and her boyfriend was listening," I said. "I mean, I didn't even know he was there, and I don't know him, and..."

Mike squeezed my hand, showing he'd understood. "It took a lot to tell her that, didn't it?"

I nodded. "And then she said that it didn't matter that he'd been listening, because it wasn't that much of a secret, and..."

I trailed off as I dissolved into tears. Mike hugged me tight and began to rock me.

"How long will I be able to stay here overnight?" I asked through my sobs.

"As long as you feel you need to," said Mike. He kissed the top of my head. "I'll never make you go home if you don't want to."

I hugged Mike tighter as sobs overtook my body, wracking my small frame. Mike hugged me back and continued to rock me back and forth.

"It's alright, Tracy, it's alright," he said, trying to calm me. "Shh, I'm here, I've got you."

We sat like this for a few more minutes before I looked up at Mike.

"Can we call her back?" I asked. "I want to know why she said that."

Mike smiled at me. "Of course we can." He looked me in the eye. "Do you want me to call her and talk to her first?"

I nodded.

"OK," said Mike. "You set it up, and then I'll talk to her."

I turned the laptop on and opened the programme. I then typed a message to Cam and got out of the way just as her face came onto the screen.

* * *

 **Mike POV**

"Mike?" said Cam in confusion as she came onto the screen. "Why are you using Tracy's laptop? Where's Tracy?"

"She's just next to me," I said. "She wanted me to talk to you first."

"Why?" asked Cam.

I sighed. "You remember earlier, when she wanted to talk to you in private and your boyfriend was listening?

Cam nodded. "Yeah, I remember that. Is she still upset about it?"

"Yes, she is still upset about it," I said, feeling the anger boiling up inside of me. "She told you that in confidence, and you betrayed her."

"I didn't even know Daniel was listening!" said Cam. "I told him to go out of the room, and he did. I didn't know he'd opened the door again."

"Well even if that's true, why did you tell her that it didn't matter that he'd heard?" I asked.

"Because there was nothing else I could do about it," said Cam. "I didn't want to say anything in front of Daniel."

"Even for Tracy's sake?" I asked.

"I didn't think she'd mind," said Cam. "I didn't mean to upset her."

* * *

 **Tracy POV**

As Cam was saying this I moved so that I was in front of the laptop.

"But you did upset me," I said. I looked at Mike, and he nodded for me to continue. "I had another one, because I thought you didn't care, and..."

"Another what?" asked Cam, interrupting me.

"The thing we were talking about earlier," I said, not wanting to say it out loud.

"Oh, Trace, I'm so sorry," said Cam. "I didn't want that to happen."

"But it did!" I said angrily. "And you caused it! Just because you love Daniel more than me..."

"No I don't!" Cam interrupted, shocked. "I love you more than anything else in the world, and I care about you so, so much."

Tears came to my eyes, and I fought to keep them from falling, before the tears began to roll down my cheeks. Mike wrapped his arm around me and hugged me close.

"Tracy?" said Cam anxiously. "Are you alright?"

I nodded.

"She's fine," said Mike. "I just think today has been a bit much."

"It's alright, Tracy," said Cam. "Even though I'm not at home, I'm only a call away if you need me, yeah?"

I nodded again.

"And when I get back home I will give you the biggest hug ever, and never let you go," said Cam. "I'm so sorry I made you upset, I..."

"It's OK," I said, giving her a smile. "I forgive you."

Cam smiled back. "You're so different to how you were as a child. If this had have happened then, you would have bitten my head off!"

I let out a small laugh.

"I'm so glad I adopted you," said Cam, smiling at me again.

"And I'm so glad you adotped me too," I said. "You're the best mum anyone could ask for."

Cam smiled, before she looked at her watch. "Oh, Tracy, I've got to go now. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

I nodded. "Yeah, see you tomorrow. Love you."

Cam smiled. "Love you too, Tracy," she said. "Bye."

"Bye," I said, before Cam ended the call.

"You OK?" asked Mike, rubbing my back.

"Yeah," I said. It was then I realised how tired I was, and I let my body collapse onto Mike's.

"You tired?" asked Mike.

I nodded sleepily.

"Come on, then," said Mike. He gently turned me around and lay me on the bed, my head resting on the pillow.

"You have a little rest," said Mike. "I'll stay here, and I'll be here when you wake up."

I gave Mike a smile, and he held my hand.

My hand.

My hand.

My hand.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

While I was asleep I had a horrible nightmare. Mike and I were sitting together in the garden, and suddenly Daniel appeared. He began to make nasty comments, laughing when he saw we were upset. Then he got out a chain, tied Mike up, and began to drag him away.

"Mike!" I screamed. "Mike!"

"Tracy!" said Mike desperately.

"MIKE!" I screamed.

"Tracy!" I woke with a jolt to find Mike next to me, shaking my shoulder and calling my name, trying to wake me up.

"Mike?" I said quietly. I was covered in sweat and shaking like anything.

"Thank goodness you're awake," said Mike, breathing a huge sigh of relief. "You were screaming the house down."

"He was taking you away," I said shakily.

"Who was?" asked Mike, taking my hand.

"Daniel," I said quietly.

"Well he's not here now, and I'm not going," said Mike, smiling at me. I gave him a hug and he wrapped his arms around me.

"You're alright," said Mike, soothing me gently. "I'm here, I'll look after you."

I relaxed in his hold as I began to cry. Mike held me, gently shushing me.

Just then Gina came in.

"I thought I'd find you up here," she said. She paused. "Mike, I think you need to tell the kids what's going on. They're starting to ask questions."

"I'm not telling them if Tracy doesn't want me to," said Mike.

"You can tell them," I said. "They have a right to know."

"You sure?" asked Mike. When I nodded, he smiled.

"Could you call a house meeting then, Gina?" asked Mike. "Tracy and I will be down in a minute."

Gina smiled, before she left the room.

"You ready to go down?" asked Mike.

I nodded.

Mike smiled. "Let's go." He stood up, before helping me off the bed, and then we walked to the stairs together.

When we got there, however, my legs began to shake, and I could barely stand.

"It's OK, Tracy," said Mike. "It's alright, I'm right here."

I nodded quickly, before I put my foot on the first step. My leg gave way under me, and Mike had to catch me to stop me from falling.

"Come on, step back," said Mike, helping me back a few steps. "It's too dangerous: you'll end up going head first down the stairs."

Just then my legs gave way and I crumpled to the floor, Mike helping me as I fell.

"I can't do it," I said, sobs beginning to overtake me. "I can't do it."

"Hey, shh, shh," said Mike, hugging me close to him. "Just give it a minute and we'll try again, yeah?"

I nodded halfheartedly.

After a minute or so of Mike holding me I said I was ready to try again. Mike smiled at me, before helping me up, and we went back to the stairs.

"You can do it, Tracy," said Mike as we got closer. "I know you can do it."

I nodded as we got to the top of the stairs, and then took a deep breath as I put my foot on the first step.

My leg shook, but it didn't give way.

"Good girl, Trace," said Mike, supporting me in case I fell again. "You're doing really well."

I then took another step, followed by another, and another. My legs were still shaking, but I was able to keep walking.

Step after step Mike followed me, giving me the physical support and mental encouragement I needed to keep going. Step, after step, after step.

And then we reached the bottom.

I was so relieved I almost collapsed, but Mike pulled me into a hug before I was able to.

"Well done," he said. "You did really well."

I smiled, before I pulled away. "Shall we go to the kitchen then?"

"If you're ready," said Mike.

I nodded, and Mike smiled at me, before we made our way down to the kitchen.

* * *

When we got to the kitchen Gina and the kids were already there.

Gina smiled at me. "You OK, Tracy?"

I nodded, before I went to stand in front of everyone. Mike came with me and squeezed my hand.

I took a deep breath. "Gina said you'd been asking questions about why Mike was spending a lot of time with me, and not with you," I began. "Well, you know that Cam went to New York a few weeks ago?"

There were a few nods.

"Well, I, I..." I trailed off, looking to Mike for support. Mike smiled at me and squeezed my hand again.

"Tracy's been having a hard time getting used to it," Mike explained. "It's weird, living on your own for the first time."

"Yeah, it is," said Carmen.

I smiled at her sympathetically as I remembered the reason she was here was because her mum had left her alone for a week.

"Well, she's been quite upset about it, and I've been helping her feel better," Mike continued.

"So that's why you've been spending so much time with her," said Tee, nodding in understanding and agreement, being kind and caring as always.

"And," I said, looking at Mike nervously. "I, I..."

I trailed off, tears in my eyes, before I ran out of the room.

* * *

 **Mike POV**

I watched in dismay as Tracy left the room.

"She, um, I've got to go," I said, before I followed her.

"Mike, wait," said Gina, grabbing my arm. "Do you want me to tell the kids what happened?"

I quickly shook my head. "No, I'll tell them in a minute."

"OK," said Gina. "Go on, go."

I nodded a quick thanks, before I left the room to find Tracy.

* * *

 **Tracy POV**

I ran up the stairs into the hall after I left the room, before going to go up the main stairs.

However, once I got there, I just collapsed on the floor, resting my arms on the first step, and my head on my arms.

Mike found me a minute later.

"Hey," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "What happened?"

"I couldn't say it," I said, still crying. "It was too hard."

"Do you want me to tell them?" asked Mike.

I slowly nodded.

"Do you want to come with me?" asked Mike, standing up and holding out his hand.

I took a shaky breath, composed myself, wiped the tears from my face, and then stood up. I then gave him a nod.

Mike took my hand and gave it a squeeze, before he smiled at me. "Come on, then," he said, before he led me back down to the kitchen.

* * *

As soon as I got back to the kitchen the kids started bombarding me with questions.

"What happened?" asked Carmen.

"Why did you leave?" asked Liam.

"Why are you so upset?" asked Tee.

"Why couldn't you tell us what was wrong?" asked Harry.

"KIDS!" shouted Mike, and immediately the room fell silent. "I'm going to explain everything, so stop asking questions, yeah?"

I gave Mike a grateful smile.

"Right, well, Tracy got upset earlier because she didn't feel she could tell you what had happened, so she asked me to. Basically, with Cam going to New York, and everything else that's been happening," he looked to me to show me he wasn't going to say anything about that unless I wanted him to, "everything became too much. So, Tracy had a panic attack."

I looked up. There were quite a few sympathetic faces, but also some confused ones.

"What's a panic attack?" asked Harry.

I looked to Mike: it was my turn to speak. "Basically, if you get really upset or scared, your body panics. You can't breathe properly, and you feel, just, like, an overwhelming sense of fear. It's really scary." I took a deep breath. "And afterwards you just break down crying because you feel like all the energy's been taken out of you and you're still scared and you just feel horrible." I looked to Mike. "That's why Mike was with me. He was helping to calm me down and make me feel better."

Mike put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it, telling me I'd done well. I smiled.

"Will you have another one?" asked Tee.

I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "You can never know. They come when you least expect them."

Mike looked at the kids seriously. "If any of you see anyone else having a panic attack, or you're having one yourself, come and get me or Gina." He looked at me briefly before looking back at the kids. "It's a lot easier to deal with it if there's someone there with you, even if they're just in the same room as you."

I nodded. "Yeah, it is." I looked up at Mike and smiled.

Mike smiled back. "Does anyone else have any other questions?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Right, well, you're free to go then," said Mike.

Everyone then got off the table or chair they'd been sitting on, and left the room.

"You OK?" asked Mike.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm OK." I gave Mike a smile, before I gave him a hug. "Thanks, Mike."

Mike wrapped his arms around me. "No problem, kiddo," he said. "It's what I'm here for."

* * *

The evening I went up to my room, got changed into my pyjamas, and then turned on my laptop. I typed a message to Cam and waited for her to answer.

About a minute later Cam accepted the call and came onto the screen.

"Hey, Tracy," she said, giving me a smile. "You OK?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better than earlier." I looked around. "Where's Daniel?"

"Oh, he left," said Cam. "I told him what happened, we had a row, and then he walked out."

"Oh," I said. "Cam, I'm so sorry..."

"No, don't be," said Cam quickly, interrupting me. "I'd rather have you than him, any day."

I smiled.

"Do you want me to come back?" asked Cam. "I know you said you didn't want to ruin my job, but I don't mind. I can get a job here, and..."

"No, it's fine," I said, interrupting Cam before she could go any further. "Mike's said I can stay at the dumping ground, and he said I don't have to go back to the flat until I'm ready."

Cam smiled. "OK, as long as you're happy."

I smiled back. "Yeah, I am." I paused. "So what have you been doing?"

"The editor set me an article to do for the end of the week, so I've been working on that," said Cam. "It's been really good so far, and I think she'll like it."

I smiled. "I'm sure she will." I then looked at my watch. "I think I should go now: I should probably go to sleep soon."

Cam smiled. "Yeah, that's OK: I think you should as well. Love you."

"Love you too," I said. "Bye."

"Bye," said Cam, before she ended the call.

I smiled, before I closed the laptop and lay down on the bed. Today had been exhausting, but I was feeling a lot better now than I had been this morning.

That was all I thought about.

Thought about.

Thought about.

Thought about.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

 **One week later**

* * *

I walked into the office that morning. I was still staying at the dumping ground, and I was feeling a lot better than I had been when I'd been living in the flat by myself.

"Morning, Tracy," said Mike, who was in there sorting out some paperwork.

"Morning," I said, sitting down at a desk. Ever since I'd told Mike what had happened, he'd been so supportive and loving, and I liked to be with him, especially when I didn't feel completely happy.

"Tracy?" said Mike. He snapped his fingers at me and I looked at him, coming out of my daze.

"You alright?" he asked worriedly.

I nodded, then smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine."

However, there was something in the back of my head that told me I wasn't fine.

There was still one thing Mike didn't know.

And he wouldn't know.

Wouldn't know.

Wouldn't know.

Wouldn't know.

Until I broke.

* * *

It had all started when Cam called. She was looking so excited when she came onto the screen, and I knew something was up.

"Hey, Tracy," she'd said. "I've got something great to tell you."

"What is it?" I'd asked.

"Well, you know that article I did for the editor?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yep."

Cam looked fit to burst. "Well, I gave it to her, and she really liked it!" She smiled. "She's asked me to take a job higher up that they were going to advertise."

"Wow, that's amazing!" I said, a smile now forming on my face.

"There's just one thing," said Cam. "If I'm going to take the job, she wants me to stay on for at least another year, to show my commitment."

"Oh, OK," I said, my heart beginning to sink.

"I can take two weeks' holiday at the end of the year, though," said Cam. "And I don't have to take it."

I quickly gave her a smile: there was no way I was going to stop Cam from getting that job, no matter how much I didn't like it. "No, of course you have to take it. This is an opportunity of a lifetime."

Cam smiled. "Well, if you're sure..."

I nodded.

"Yes!" said Cam. "I'm so excited, it's just like, yes!"

I smiled: I'd made the right decision.

"Right, I've got to go now," said Cam. "I'll see you tonight, yeah? Love you."

"Love you too," I said. "Bye."

"Bye," said Cam, a huge smile still on her face, before she ended the call.

There were tears in my eyes as I left the room and went to find Mike.

* * *

However, when I found Mike, there were tears in _his_ eyes.

"Mike?" I said worriedly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Mike. "Just a bit of dust, that's all." He then noticed my tears. "What about you?"

"Just a bit of hayfever," I said. "High pollen count."

Mike nodded. It was obvious that neither of us were talking the truth, but neither of us were pushing the other to tell either. It would just be a question of who could lie.

Could lie.

Could lie.

Could lie.

Until the other one broke.

* * *

That was a few days ago now.

As I sat in the kitchen eating my breakfast after leaving the office, I sighed. I was the only one down here, and I would have done anything just to be able to break down and cry.

But I couldn't.

Because someone might be watching.

As if to prove my point, Toby walked in.

"Hey, Toby," I said, giving him a smile. "You OK?"

He nodded, a look of thought on his face. "Yeah, I'm OK. But something's wrong with Mike."

"Is it?" I said, pretending I hadn't noticed. "What makes you think that?"

"I saw him crying in the office yesterday," said Toby. "He only stopped when he realised I was there."

"Really?" I said. "That doesn't sound like Mike."

Toby shook his head, before he went to get a drink.

I then got up and made my way to the office.

* * *

"Mike?" I said as I walked into the office. "Toby told me he saw you crying earlier. Is everything alright?"

Mike sighed. "I'm not as good at hiding things as you are, am I?"

"What, like I did last week?" I asked, hoping he hadn't picked up that I was hiding something now.

"Yes," said Mike. He then looked at me closely and seriously. "But you're hiding something now too, I can tell." His face softened. "Please tell me."

I shook my head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"We both know that you know exactly what I'm talking about," said Mike. He looked pleadingly at me. "Please..."

"I said I'm fine," I said quickly.

"If you're sure," said Mike. He looked me in the eye. "But please, just, don't let it get to a panic attack like it did last time, yeah? I don't want you to go through that again."

I nodded quickly, before I looked Mike in the eye. "What's wrong, Mike?"

I watched a tear fall from Mike's eye, before he slumped down onto the sofa. I came to join him, wrapping my arm around his shoulder.

"My grandad, well, he died of cancer," said Mike, another tear falling. "My dad, he's got the same symptoms."

He took a shaky breath, and I squeezed his shoulder.

"Well, we went to the doctor a few days ago, and they said it was definitely the same thing." Another tear rolled down his cheek. "He's dying. He has three weeks to live."

As Mike began to cry properly I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, just the same as he had done every time I was upset. I began to rock him gently, shushing him.

"It's alright, Mike, it's alright," I said, my arms wrapped tightly around him. "It's alright, I'm here, we can all help you through this."

As Mike continued to cry, I could feel my heart breaking. Now I knew how Mike must have felt when I was upset, and knew I should tell him what was wrong.

But would it really be fair? His dad was already dying, he didn't need my problems.

I decided to keep quiet a little longer.

I then turned my attention back to Mike. I didn't think I'd ever seen him so upset. He was the one that was always there for all of us, always looking after us when we needed it. In a way, he was our hero.

But even heros deserve a day off, don't they?

* * *

A few minutes later Mike stopped crying and looked down at me. I was resting my head against him, trying to get some rest, but quickly looked up when he saw me.

"Hey, you can go back the way you were," said Mike. "I can feel you're tired: your grip isn't as good as it usually is."

I smiled gratefully, before I rested my head back on Mike.

He then rested his head on top of my head. "Why don't we both have a little nap, hmm?" he said. "I didn't get much sleep last night, so a little rest would do me the world of good."

I nodded, before I closed my eyes, and breathed in time with Mike.

In, and out.

In, and out.

In, and out.

Until we fell asleep.

* * *

When I woke up I was still on the sofa, Mike next to me. Someone, probably Gina, had put a blanket over us, and there were two plates of food, presumably our lunch.

I sat there for a few minutes before Mike woke up.

"Hey," said Mike once he realised I was awake. "You OK?"

I nodded, even though I was still quite tired and feeling upset. "Yeah. You?"

Mike nodded too, before he began to sit up. "Yeah. I feel a lot better now."

I smiled, before I gave him a hug. I let a silent tear slip down my cheek, making sure that Mike didn't notice.

I would tell him what was wrong, but not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Until he was happy himself.

* * *

Later that day I was in the kitchen. I was sitting at the table, my head in my hands.

"Tracy?" said Carmen, coming into the room. "Are you alright?"

I looked round and smiled at her. "Yeah, I'm fine." I said. "Just tired, that's all."

"You sure?" asked Carmen.

I nodded.

Just then Lily came in.

"Hey, Carmen," she said. "Fancy a game of 'Snakes and Ladders'?"

"Yeah sure," said Carmen. She and Lily and left the room.

Suddenly Johnny ran in, followed by Tee.

"I keep telling you, I didn't take it!" shouted Johnny.

"Then who did?" Tee yelled back.

"I don't know!" said Johnny.

"You're the only one who knows where I keep it," said Tee. "Just give it back!"

"I don't have it!" said Johnny.

"Guys, what's going on?" I asked, going over to them.

"Johnny's taken my bracelet that Mum gave me when I was born!" said Tee.

"I haven't!" shouted Johnny.

"Just because I wouldn't play cards with him earlier," said Tee. "You didn't have to do that though, did you?!"

"I didn't!" shouted Johnny.

"Look, guys, do you want to sit down, and..."

"Don't you believe me?!" said Johnny. "I'd never take something of Tee's!"

"I'm not saying you took it, I'm just saying we need to sort this out so we know..." I said.

Johnny interrupted me. "We already know what happened. Someone else took it!"

"OK, well, let's go to the office and talk to Mike about it," I said. "See if we can find where it's got to."

"OK," said Tee, and we walked up the stairs and into the hall, ready to go to the office.

And then we saw Elektra.

And she was holding a bracelet with a heart charm.

And it had the word 'Tee'.

"Oi!" shouted Johnny. "Give that back!"

He launched at Elektra, trying to take the bracelet from her.

"Mike!" I yelled. "Mike!"

And then the bracelet flew out of Elektra's hand.

And it hit me.

Tee grabbed the bracelet.

Everyone else came to see what was happening.

Johnny was still hitting Elektra.

Mike was trying to separate them.

And then it all got too much.

The noise, everyone arguing, everything that I was already dealing with.

And then I couldn't breathe.

"Tracy?" said Tee, who was by my side. "Are you OK?"

I quickly nodded, and then began to back away from the noise.

But everything was getting louder.

"Tracy?" Mike was at my side now. "Tracy, are you alright?"

I nodded, my legs beginning to shake. I just needed to get away: I wasn't sure how long it would be before my legs gave way.

And then Mike realised what was happening.

"Tracy, take some deep breaths for me," he said. "Kids, move out the way, I need to get to the sofa."

The kids moved immediately, but they weren't quick enough.

My legs gave way.

I began to fall to the ground.

And Mike only just caught me in time.

As we reached the ground Mike bent over me, as if shielding me from everything that could hurt me.

I could feel my chest going in and out, and I was scared.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't get oxygen in

I'd been trying to take deep breaths, but it wasn't working.

I could feel the panic rising inside me.

And I felt that if I didn't get oxygen in soon I would die.

Because there was no air left inside me.

And I needed to get some in.

Mike gave the kids a smile, trying to reassure them that everything was OK.

"Deep breaths, Tracy," he said quietly. "In, and out. In, and out. In, and out."

I heard someone breathe in time to Mike, and then the rest of the kids joined in.

"See, Tracy, like that," said Mike. "In, and out. In, and out."

I tried to copy the kids, and it began to work. I was breathing in time with them, before I began to cry, and I set my breathing back to where it had been.

"It's OK, Tracy," said Mike, rubbing my back. "Just try again, yeah?"

I tried again, but this time it didn't work. I looked at Mike, and he smiled at me reassuringly.

"Just keep going, Trace," he said. "You're doing really well."

We sat like this for a minute or so, and then my breathing finally went back to normal. I looked at Mike, tears in my eyes, as I took a few deep breaths, before he hugged me tight as I began to cry.

"Shh," said Mike. "It's OK, I'm here, I've got you. Shh." He then began to rock me.

I clung to him, feeling scared. I didn't really want the kids seeing me like this either, but it didn't look like they were going anywhere.

"Can we go to the quiet room?" I asked. There was a lot more privacy in there, and I wanted to talk to Mike alone.

Mike smiled at me reassuringly. "Yeah, sure." He looked at me. "You ready?"

I nodded, even though my whole body had begun to shake, and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to stand, let alone walk to the quiet room.

Mike stood up, and then helped me up as well. My legs shook, and it took all my strength not to fall to the floor again.

"It's alright, Trace," said Mike. "I'm here."

I quickly took a step forward, wanting to get this over and done with, before my leg gave way. Mike caught me before I hit the ground.

"It's alright, Tracy," said Mike. "I've got you, you're safe."

I shook my head. "I can't do it." I let myself sink to the floor. "I can't do it."

"Yes you can, Tracy," said Mike. "I know you can do it."

"Yeah, you can do it Tracy." Tee decided to speak up, trying to help me.

"Yeah, you're Tracy Beaker," said Liam. "Nothing stands in your way."

I smiled, tears beginning to make their way down my cheeks again.

Mike smiled at the kids, before he lifted me up again and began to help me to the quiet room. I walked, Mike helping me step by step, and before I knew it I was in the quiet room, lying on the sofa.

Mike sat on the opposite sofa. "Well done," he said. "I'm really proud of you for that."

I smiled.

His face then went serious. "Tracy, why didn't you just tell me? I could have helped."

I took a deep breath. "Because, well, because I love you. Like a father. I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you were hurting already. I thought I could hide it this time."

Mike smiled, tears in his eyes. "You put me even before yourself?"

I nodded.

Mike came over to me, and enveloped me in a hug. I hugged him back, clinging to him like my life depended on it, as I began to sob.

"Shh," said Mike, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "Shh. Shh."

I relaxed into his hold, feeling safe in his arms. I knew that Mike would protect and look after me no matter what happened, trying always to make sure I didn't get hurt.

And so I let him hold me.

Hold me.

Hold me.

Hold me.

Until the sobs subsided.

* * *

A few minutes later I pulled away slightly and looked at Mike.

"What happened?" asked Mike. "Why are you upset again?"

I took a shaky breath. "Cam accepted a job that means she'll be gone for two years instead of one."

"Did she ask you about it first?" asked Mike.

I nodded. "I said she could take it." I took a deep breath. "It's a better job than the one she had before, and she was really excited about it."

"So you let her take it even though it upset you?" asked Mike.

I nodded.

"Come here," said Mike. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

"I don't understand it," he said. "You've changed so much from how you used to be when you've lived here."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, a few years ago you wouldn't have let anyone do anything if it upset you just the tiniest bit," explained Mike. "And now you're putting so many people before yourself it's doing you more harm than good."

"But it's good not to be selfish, isn't it?" I asked in confusion.

Mike smiled. "Yes, of course it is." He then began to stroke my hair. "But you need to do it slightly less often if you end up like this every week."

"I'm just trying to be kind to the people I care about," I said.

"Yeah, I know," said Mike. He got off the floor and came and sat down on the end seat of the sofa. I then sat up so I was sitting next to him.

Mike wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Just because you care about others, doesn't mean they have priority over you. If something they do or say upsets you, you have to tell them, yeah?"

"But what if that upsets them?" I asked.

"Then you both talk about it," said Mike. "And then you come up with a compromise."

Tears came to my eyes. "I just want to try and make everyone happy. I want to show people that I care about them, like I didn't when I was younger."

"But you still have to look after yourself," said Mike. "Because you are the most important person for some people."

"Like who?" I asked.

"Well, Cam, for a start," said Mike. "And you're one of the most important people to me too."

I looked up at him. "Really?"

Mike nodded, smiling at me. "Really."

I rested my head on Mike's side.

"You need to make sure that you're happy as well," Mike continued. "If not for yourself, then for others. You can't help other people properly if you feel like breaking yourself."

"So what do I do?" I asked.

"Let other people put you first," said Mike. "I'm sure Cam wouldn't have taken that job if she knew how you felt about it. She'd want you to be happy."

"But I wanted her to be happy," I said.

"She would have been," said Mike. "Not as happy as she is now that you said yes, but she would have enjoyed the job that she had." He paused. "If she could see you now..."

Mike didn't need to finish his sentence as a tear rolled down his cheek, followed by another, and another, and another. I felt so ashamed of myself.

"Mike, I'm so, so sorry," I said. "Really, I'm so, so, so, so sorry."

I pulled away from Mike and curled up on the opposite end of the sofa.

"Hey," said Mike, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Don't do that. You don't need to isolate yourself."

"I do," I said, my back to Mike. "You've done nothing to deserve this. It's not fair."

"And you've done nothing to deserve this either," said Mike. "And it's been even harder for you. Don't tell me that I've cried more than you have."

I shook my head.

"Then come here," said Mike. "Let me be that father you see me as."

I turned around to look at Mike, before I relented. I moved over to him, and then rested my head on his chest, beginning to sob.

Mike held me tight. "Shh," he said. "It's OK, it's alright, I'm here. Shh. Shh."

I began to relax, letting out all my hurt, feeling safe in Mike's arms.

"You know something, Tracy," said Mike.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm really proud of you," said Mike.

"Why?" I asked, confused.

"Because," said Mike, beginning to stroke my hair, "you've grown up to be such a success."

"Have I?" I asked.

"Of course you have," said Mike. "A few years ago you were never this caring, and you would never have even considered getting a job here. And before that you used to get angry at the slightest thing, as soon as anyone upset you. And look at you now."

"Yeah, crying my eyes out," I said.

"Because you've been so caring as to put others before yourself, even when it hurt you," said Mike. "And I'm really proud of you for being able to do that."

I smiled, finally getting what Mike was going on about.

Mike smiled back at me. "I'm really, really proud of you."

I relaxed again, my head resting on Mike's chest.

After a few minutes I pulled away. I'd been thinking, and realised that I had to stop hurting Mike.

And I had to stop now.

"Mike, I'm going home." I said.

"What?" said Mike, a look of shock coming to his face. "No, Tracy, please, stay here."

"No," I said, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks as I stood up. "I've hurt you enough, Mike. And it's going to stop right now."

"I just want to help," said Mike. "It's not good for you to deal with this by yourself; you need to let others help you."

"Not anymore," I said. I left the room and went into the office to get my coat. Mike came through the door as I took my leather jacket off the peg and put it on.

"Tracy, please..." began Mike.

I looked him in the eye, before I interrupted him. "It's just for tonight. I'll come back to work tomorrow." I saw the tears in Mike's eyes. "I've hurt you enough. You don't have to deal with my problems anymore."

"But I want to," said Mike. "Please, Tracy, if there's anything I can do to change your mind..."

I shook my head, before I took Mike into a quick hug, before I pulled away again. "Bye, Mike."

And there was nothing he could do as I walked out of the office, into the hall, and then out of the front door.

* * *

It was raining hard when I got outside, and as soon as I shut the door behind me I began to shake all over, just wanting to run back inside, straight into Mike's arms.

But I couldn't. I knew I had to keep going.

Had to stay strong.

For Mike's sake.

I put one shaky foot after the other as I set off, using all my strength to not fall over. I was still exhausted, but I knew that if I put all my energy into getting home I'd be alright.

And then I fell.

I began to cry as I hit the ground, the gravel from the drive biting into my skin.

And then I heard the front door open.

And then Mike was beside me.

And we were both getting soaked.

"Come in, Trace," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Let's get you inside and get you a hot drink, yeah?"

I shook my head. "I just want to go home and leave you alone, so you don't have to worry about me."

"You really think I wouldn't worry about you if you went home?" said Mike. "Tracy, I'd worry about you more. I want you to stay here, at the dumping ground, where I can keep an eye on you."

I didn't want to give it, really didn't want to give in, but I knew I had no choice. I slowly nodded.

"Come on, then," said Mike. He helped me up, and pain shot through my leg.

"Ow!" I said. "Ow, it stings, it stings."

I crumpled to the ground. "It hurts, Mike. It really hurts."

"I know it does, I know it does," said Mike. "But you need to get inside."

"I can't," I said, before I realised how pathetic I sounded. I needed to just get this over and done with, without making a fuss.

I stood up, shaking all over, and began to walk as fast as I could to the dumping ground.

However, I'd only taken a few steps when my leg gave way, making me fall.

I waited for the pain, but instead felt Mike grip me round the waist, holding me up.

"It's OK, Trace, I've got you," said Mike. He then helped to steady me so I could start to walk again.

And then I gave up trying to be brave.

And I let my body crumple.

"Tracy?" said Mike anxiously. "Tracy, can you hear me?"

I gave a weak nod.

"Are you alright?" asked Mike.

I shook my head. "I can't do it," I said. "I can't do it anymore."

Mike didn't say anything, but then he lifted me up into his arms. I could feel him shaking from my weight, probably because he was so tired.

"No, Mike, don't," I said, scared. "Mike, please."

"I've got to get you inside," said Mike. "There's no other way of doing it."

"I'll walk," I said desperately. "Please, Mike."

Mike let me put my feet down, and we began to walk, before I stumbled.

Mike caught me again, then steadied me, before we continued to walk.

"Not much further now, Tracy," said Mike. "Just a few more steps."

Somehow we managed it, and we got to the door.

Mike rummaged around in his pocket, before he sighed. "I forgot my key." He lifted his hand and rang the doorbell.

Almost immediately Gina opened the door, and she helped us in. Her and Mike then helped me to the sofa, where I collapsed, exhausted. Gina then went upstairs and came back with two towels.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" she asked, as I began to dry my soaking wet hair.

"Yeah, one each would be great, thanks," said Mike. When I began to shake my head he stopped me. "Tracy, you're freezing cold and soaking wet. Let Gina make you a hot drink, yeah?"

"No, I said, beginning to sit up. "I should do it."

Mike gently pushed me back down. "In the state you're in, I wouldn't even let you get yourself a plastic cup of water, let alone a hot cup of tea in a china mug."

"But I can do it!" I said. I tried to sit up again, but Mike stopped me.

"Tracy, just relax, OK?" he said. "Just take it easy. Take this chance to rest."

I sighed, before letting my body sink into the sofa. Mike smiled at me and I gave a small smile back.

"Why don't you want anyone to help you anymore?" asked Mike. "You know you can't deal with this yourself."

"I can," I said quickly, before I saw the look of doubt on Mike's face. "And even if I can't, I can try."

"And end up like this every day?" said Mike. He took my hand. "I just want to help you. That's all I've ever wanted to do."

Tears came to my eyes. "Mike, don't do this, please," I said. "It's hard enough as it is."

Mike squeezed my hand. "But I'm trying to help you."

"I know," I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. "But it's not fair on you. I'm an adult now. I have to look after myself." I took a deep breath. "The kids come first."

Mike sighed. "Is this what this is all about?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You think just because you now work here instead of live here you can't show your feelings, and you have to put everyone else before yourself?"

I slowly nodded.

"Of course you don't," said Mike. "You are just as important as the kids. Just because you're an adult, doesn't mean you deserve to go through all this."

"I've put other people through hell in my time," I said. "Maybe someone's decided it's my turn."

"You've had enough hardship in your life," said Mike. He squeezed my hand again. "Do you want to go to the quiet room?"

I nodded.

"OK, come on, then," said Mike. He stood up, and then helped me up, before we began to walk to the quiet room.

We were nearly there when Gina came up behind us, holding two cups of tea.

"You two go in first, and then I'll put these on the table," she said.

We went in and sat on the sofa, and then Gina placed the cups on the coffee table.

Mike smiled at her. "Thanks, Gina."

Gina smiled back, before she left the room.

"Now," said Mike, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and looking at me. "You need to tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

"Nothing," I said quickly. "I'm fine."

Mike looked at me doubtfully.

"Well, apart from everything I've already told you, and we've sorted that out, so I'm fine." I said, giving him a smile.

"Why won't you let me help you then? Why do you think the kids are so much more important than you?" asked Mike. "You must have a reason."

"Because," I said, "well, because they're kids. They need more looking after, and you should be giving your attention to them, not me." I sighed and looked at Mike with tear-filled eyes. "And you're the kindest, most loving man I've ever met. It's not fair to keep doing this to you."

"Doing what?" asked Mike.

I felt so angry with myself as I watched a tear roll down Mike's cheek.

"This!" I said angrily. "Making you so upset that you cry, making you help me when it's hurting you. It's not fair!"

I pulled away from Mike and went to the other end of the sofa, thinking about what to do.

"Hey," said Mike, lifting my chin so I was looking at him. "But I haven't told you why I'm crying, have I?"

"Because I'm making you upset and it's too much on top of what you've got happening in your life," I said.

Mike shook his head. "No, it's not." He paused. "It's actually because I'm sad for you, and I hate to see you hurting. This isn't fair on you, and I can feel your pain. And I hate it."

"What?" I said, confused. "But I thought..."

"You should know by now that I care about every single one of you and hate to see you hurting," said Mike. "That's why I cry. Because it's just so unfair. I just want to take it from you, but I can't."

I moved back over towards Mike, and rested my head on his chest. Mike wrapped his arms around me, and held me close as I began to sob.

Mike kissed the top of my head, before he lay his head on top of my head. "You've done really well, Tracy," he said. "So, so well. And you've been really brave." He paused as my body began to shake, and held me tighter. "But now it's time for me to look after you." He paused again. "And tonight, you are going to go to sleep in your bed here, and I will stay with you all night."

"What?" I said. "No, Mike, you can't do that. You won't get any sleep at all."

"And you think I'm not used to having sleepless nights working here?" asked Mike.

I gave a small smile through my sobs, realising that what he'd said was true.

"And I'll do whatever you want me to do to help you relax and get you to sleep," said Mike. "And if that means holding your hand all night then I will gladly do it." He sighed. "I just want to make you happy again. And I will do whatever it takes to make that happen."

I gave Mike a tight hug, before I relaxed again, feeling safe in his arms. Now I finally knew how he really felt, I didn't feel angry with myself anymore. I just felt hope for the future, so that Mike and me would be able to pull through this together.

Together.

Together.

Together.

Until I was happy again.

* * *

That night I got changed into my pyjamas, plasters on both knees as a result of falling on the gravel a few hours earlier, and then climbed into bed, Mike by my side on a campbed. I held out my hand and he took it, squeezing it gently.

"Just remember, I'm here if you need me," said Mike. "If you wake up at 3:00 in the morning needing a hug, wake me up and I'll give you one, yeah?"

I nodded, giving him a smile. "Night, Mike."

"Goodnight, Tracy," said Mike, giving my hand another squeeze.

It wasn't long before the exhaustion of the day caught up with me, and I drifted off to sleep...

* * *

I woke up a few hours later. It was just past midnight, and I was feeling scared. My mind couldn't settle, and my sleep had been full of random dreams.

"Mike," I whispered. When he didn't move I got out of bed, turning on my bedside lamp. "Mike."

Still no answer.

I began to shake him. "Mike, wake up."

Mike woke with a start, and then breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was me, and gave me a smile. "Hey," he said. "You alright?"

"I can't sleep," I said.

Mike sat up, before he got up and sat down on my bed. He gestured for me to sit next to him and I did, leaning on him for support and comfort.

"Why can't you sleep?" asked Mike, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "I was asleep earlier, but just now I woke up and I just felt, well, kind of scared, I guess."

"Why?" asked Mike.

I shrugged again.

Mike took my hand and squeezed it. "It might be because you've got so used to waking up on your own," he suggested. "Because this is how you used to feel, isn't it?"

I nodded: that made sense. "Yeah, and I feel a lot better now you're here." I looked up at Mike and gave him a smile.

Mike smiled back. "Well, you're not on your own now," said Mike. He looked at me seriously. "In fact, I'm never going to let you stay on your own ever again."

"What?" I said. "No, Mike, really..."

Mike interrupted me. "And when you're too old to climb the stairs, I'll make you a bed in the quiet room," he said, giving me a wink.

I let out a laugh, realising he was joking.

Mike chuckled. "Seriously, though, you can stay here as long as you want." He smiled at me. "You'll always be allowed here."

I gave Mike a hug, resting my head on his chest, taking deep, calming breaths as the last of the thoughts in my head vanished.

"You alright?" Mike asked.

I nodded tiredly.

"Come on, then," said Mike. "Let's get you back to bed."

He got up, and then I put my head on the pillow, before he put the duvet over me.

"Night, Tracy," said Mike, getting back into his campbed.

"Night," I said. I turned out the lamp and then lay there in the dark.

"Mike?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" Mike whispered back.

"Can we have the light on?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course we can," Mike replied.

I turned the lamp back on and then lay back down on the pillow, feeling relaxed.

I then felt Mike take my hand, and I smiled.

And smiled.

And smiled.

And smiled.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of Mike's phone ringing.

"Mike," I said, shaking him awake. "Mike, someone's calling you."

Mike opened his eyes sleepily, and then woke up properly when he heard his phone ring, and realised what I'd said.

"It's Dad," he said quietly. "No, please, no..."

He trailed off as he answered the phone and left the room.

I waited for a few minutes before he came back, his eyes filled with tears.

"What happened?" I asked anxiously.

Mike sank to the floor. "My dad, he, he's..." He trailed off, and then took a deep breath. "He's dead."

Mike burst into tears, and I rushed over to him, wrapping my arms around him.

"It's OK," I said, hugging him tight. "It's alright. I can look after you."

"No it's not!" said Mike, pulling away. "I loved my father, and nothing will be alright now he's gone."

I tried to hug him again and he pushed me away, making me hit the floor, hard.

"Ow!" I said, rubbing the back of my head. "Mike, please. I just want to help."

Mike relented, giving a small nod. I went over to him and hugged him close.

"I'm sorry," said Mike. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "I should have listened to what you said."

Mike then began to sob, his body shaking. I hugged him tighter, trying desperately to calm him down.

"That's what I do with you," Mike said quietly. "Just hold you tight until you feel better."

I smiled, tears coming to my eyes, and hugged Mike close. I felt him hold me tight as well, still trying to help me, even though he was breaking.

We sat like this for a few minutes, before Mike stopped crying.

"Right, Mike, we're going to the staff bedroom," I said, taking control. "You're having the bed, and I'll have the floor."

"No, we're fine as we are," said Mike. "You have the bed in here, and I'll have the campbed."

"No," I said firmly. "You're having the bed, I'll bring my bedding and sleep on the floor: the amount I move around in my sleep I'll fall off the campbed every five minutes if I try to sleep on it, so I'll just have the floor."

"I'm not letting you have the floor," said Mike. "That's not fair."

"But I want to make it best for you," I said.

"I know you do," said Mike, tears coming to his eyes again. "And you know what will achieve that?"

I shook my head.

"You sleeping in the bed," said Mike. "I'd rather you were happy."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "You can have the bed if you want: I really don't mind sleeping on the floor."

"I'm sure," said Mike. "At least this way we still both get a bed."

I smiled at him gratefully, before I helped him up and onto the campbed, after I'd moved it next to my bed. I then climbed into my bed, and took Mike's hand.

"Same rules apply as they did earlier, but for both of us," I said. "If you need a hug, I'm here, yeah?"

Mike gave an unwilling nod.

"Look, just because you're the older one and you think you should be looking after me, doesn't mean I can't look after you once while." I gave Mike a smile and squeezed his hand.

Mike sighed. "I just, I don't like you having to put up with this when you've already got all your own problems."

I raised my eyebrows. "And how many times did I get told off for saying that?"

Mike gave a small smile.

"And you're having a much worse time than me," I said. "Cam's only in New York, and I can still see her pretty much everyday." I smiled. "And I have you to look after me."

Mike sat up, and I got out of bed and gave him a tight hug, holding him close as he began to cry, and he did the same to me.

"You're still the same old stubborn Tracy Beaker, aren't you?" said Mike.

I nodded.

Mike gave a sob. "I miss my dad."

"I know you do," I said, rubbing his back. "I know."

We sat like this for a few minutes, before Mike pulled away.

"I now know why I gave you a job," he said. "You must be great at calming down the kids."

I smiled.

Mike gave me one last hug, before I got back into my bed. He held out his hand and I took it, giving it a squeeze. He gave mine a squeeze back.

"Night, Mike," I said.

"Night, Tracy," said Mike.

And we kept holding each other's hands.

Holding hands.

Holding hands.

Holding hands.

Until we fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning I was woken up by Mike rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb.

As I blinked he gave me a smile. "You OK?"

I nodded, then my mind went back to the previous night. "Yeah. What about you? Are you alright?"

Mike gave a small nod. "I'm getting there." He smiled at me again. "You've missed breakfast. What do you want?"

I closed my eyes briefly to get rid of the sickness feeling I had, and then opened them again. "Um, oh, I'll go get something in a minute." I gave Mike a smile: I felt horrible, but I was sure it would pass soon, and Mike needed me.

"You alright?" asked Mike in concern as I closed my eyes again. "What's wrong?"

"I don't feel well," I mumbled. "I'll be alright in a minute."

"Do you want me to stay?" asked Mike.

I gave a weak nod.

Mike gave a smile, before he gave my hand a squeeze and got comfy on the floor next to my bed.

"You probably just didn't get enough sleep last night," he said gently. "Just get some more rest, and I'll be right here when you wake up, yeah?"

I nodded sleepily.

He squeezed my hand, and I gradually drifted off to sleep.

* * *

I next woke to shouting coming from the landing. I quickly got out of bed and ran outside my room.

Although I didn't get very far.

Everyone was shouting at Mike, asking him to do something or complaining about something. Gina was trying to calm them all down, but it wasn't working.

And Mike looked like he was about to break.

"Stop it!" I shouted, pushing through the kids to get to Mike, who was at the top of the stairs. Liam and Johnny had started fighting, and he was trying to separate them.

"Boys, stop!" I shouted, pulling them off each other.

However, Johnny was angry, and he didn't realise how near the stairs we were. As I grabbed him he pushed me away, and I let out a scream.

I had realised where I was.

I had realised what was happening.

I was falling down the stairs.

I tensed my body, feeling limp and powerless as I rolled down each step, and I could hear Mike shouting for everyone to get back.

"Mike," I said quietly. "Mike."

And then I began to somersault down the stairs.

And then my head hit a step.

And then everything went black.

* * *

"Tracy."

That was the first thing I heard when I woke up.

I could hear that it was Mike's voice, full of concern and worry. I tried to open my eyes, so I'd be able to show him that I was alright, but I couldn't.

"Tracy," said Mike again, the worry even more clear in his voice.

I felt his hand move across my face as he moved my hair out of the way of my eyes.

"Come on, Trace," he said. "Wake up."

I finally managed to open my eyes to see that Mike was knelt on the floor next to me, and he was looking at me. I closed my eyes again (as he had been slightly fuzzy), before I opened them again and took a deep, shaky breath, wincing in pain. Mike smiled at me and breathed a sigh of relief.

"You OK?" he asked anxiously, the concern clear in his voice, tears in his eyes. He put his hand underneath my hand so I could rest it, and began to rub it gently. "For a moment then I thought..." He paused. "I thought you weren't going to wake up."

I gave him a small smile, my eyes filling with tears from the pain. "I'm alright," I said. "I'm OK."

Just then I heard Gina come up from behind me. "The ambulance is on its way."

I shook my head, beginning to get up. "No, I'm OK, I don't need to go to..."

Mike broke me off by gently pushing me back down. "Just stay still, Trace," he said gently. "No one is going anywhere until the paramedics get here. I'm staying right here with you."

"But I'm OK," I said. "I'm perfectly fine."

"So why the tears?" asked Mike, gently wiping away one from my cheek.

I gave up, knowing I was beaten. "It hurts."

"Where?" asked Mike gently.

"My head, my wrist, and..." I took a deep breath and winced in pain. "My ribs."

Mike smiled at me sympathetically and gave my hand a squeeze.

"Ow!" I said, pulling away slightly. "That was my wrist."

Mike lay his hand flat on the floor again and I lay my hand on top, wrapping my fingers around the edge of his hand.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't know."

I gave him a small smile. "I know, it's OK." I sighed. "How long will they be?"

"About ten minutes they said," said Gina.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes from the pain I was in.

"You alright?" asked Mike.

I nodded and gave a smile, trying to be brave.

Mike took his other hand and began to stroke the top of my hair, giving me a smile.

"Not long, Trace," he said. "Just relax, and you'll feel better soon."

I gave a small genuine smile, feeling safe because Mike was here, and he was still looking after me.

Looking after me.

Looking after me.

Looking after me.

Until I didn't need it anymore.

* * *

About half an hour later there was a knock on the door.

"About time," said Mike, giving my hand a rub. "Gina, could you...?"

Gina nodded, and went to open the front door.

"Sorry we're a bit later than we said we would be," I heard someone, I assumed it was one of the paramedics, say. "The traffic was awful, and then there was a road closed. But we came as quick as we could."

Gina gave a smile, and then led the two paramedics to where I was lying.

"Hello," said the man, kneeling down next to me. "I'm Josh, and I'm a paramedic. What's your name?"

I shook my head. Tears had begun to make their way down my cheeks about ten minutes ago because I was in so much pain, and I wasn't up to answering simple questions that someone else could answer.

"Trace," said Mike, gently wiping away a tear. "You have to talk."

I just shook my head again, gripping onto Mike's hand for comfort.

"She's having a hard time at the moment," said Mike, looking at the paramedics. "Can I just answer the questions for her?"

Josh nodded.

"Her name's Tracy," said Mike. "She fell down the stairs around half an hour ago."

"How did she fall?" asked a female paramedic, coming up behind me. She smiled at Mike. "I'm Emily, by the way."

"One of the kids pushed her, I think," said Mike.

I nodded.

"On purpose?" asked Emily, sounding shocked.

"No, it was an accident," I said quietly. "Johnny and Liam were fighting, and I pulled Johnny off, and he pushed me away..."

I broke off to take a shaky inhale, which caused me to whimper in pain.

"You alright?" asked Mike.

I shook my head. "My ribs," I broke off to take a small breath that wouldn't cause me pain. "They hurt."

"Right, let's get you in then," said Emily. "Josh, can you get a board?"

Josh gave a nod, and then went back outside.

"Good girl, Trace," said Mike, giving me a smile. "You're doing really well."

I closed my eyes again and took as deep breaths as I could without hurting myself, trying to relax.

"You OK?" asked Mike gently.

I gave a small nod.

Mike began to stroke my hair. "Good." He paused. "You'll be OK."

I gave a small smile, before I felt exhaustion come over me.

I'd already been asleep half the morning, but I was still so tired.

I tried to keep my eyes open, but it was hard. I was hurting, and tired, and sleep just seemed so welcoming.

I closed my eyes again and relaxed.

Relaxed.

Relaxed.

Relaxed.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

When I woke up I was lying on a bed in the hospital, Mike sitting beside me holding my hand.

Mike smiled when he saw I was awake. "You feeling any better?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I looked around. "What happened?"

"They brought you here while you were asleep," explained Mike. "They wanted to wake you up, but I wouldn't let them."

I smiled.

"They gave you some pain relief, but they didn't want to examine you until you were awake," Mike continued. "I'll just go and get someone." He left the room and came back a minute later with a doctor.

"Hello, Tracy," said the doctor. "My name is Kelly, and I'd like to have a look at you if that's OK?"

I nodded.

"OK," said the doctor. "Where does it hurt?"

"Mainly my ribs," I said painfully.

Kelly began to examine me, and when she got to my hurt ribs I let out a gasp of pain.

"Did that hurt?" she asked.

I gave a small nod, my ribs still hurting.

She felt around them carefully, and then gave me a small smile.

"I think you've badly bruised your ribs," she said. "We'll send you for an x-ray in a minute. Does it hurt anywhere else?"

"My wrist," I said. "And my head."

"You've got quite a nasty cut on your head," said Kelly. "I'll get someone to stitch that up for you."

She then came over and gently felt my left wrist.

"That feels broken," she said. "We'll get that checked out in the x-ray as well."

I gave a nod, tears coming to my eyes from the pain.

"Could she have some more pain relief?" asked Mike, seeing my tears.

"Do you want some?" asked Kelly.

I nodded.

"I'll just go and get it," said Kelly. She smiled and then left the room.

I looked at Mike. "Are you OK?"

Mike nodded. "Yeah, I'm alright." He took my hand, being careful of my broken wrist. "I just want you to get better."

I gave him a smile.

"Here you go," said Kelly. She came back with the pain relief and injected it into me. "That should start to work soon."

I gave her a smile. "Thanks."

"I'll talk to x-ray and tell you when they're ready for you," she said. "And then we'll get that cut stitched up: it's not bleeding so it's not urgent."

Mike gave her a smile. "Thank you."

Kelly smiled back, and then left the room.

"You feeling better?" asked Mike.

I shook my head. "My ribs are killing me."

"You're being really brave," said Mike. "You're doing really well."

I gave Mike a smile, squeezing his hand. He gave mine a gentle squeeze back.

I closed my eyes. "I'm so tired."

"Have a rest then," said Mike. "I'll wake you up when it's time for the x-ray."

I gave him a grateful smile, and squeezed his hand.

His hand.

His hand.

His hand.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up screaming. I was on my own, and I felt like I had when I was at home by myself.

But this wasn't my bedroom.

"Mike!" I began to scream, tears streaming down my face. "Mike!"

Mike burst through the door and rushed to my side.

"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously.

"Mike," I said, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tight. "They took you away. I thought you'd gone."

Mike gave me a tight hug back. "Who?" he asked gently.

I didn't answer him, instead beginning to sob. At each one my ribs screamed out in pain, and it took all my willpower to stop me from doing the same.

"Shh, it's OK, I'm here, I've got you," said Mike. He hugged me tighter to try and calm me down.

And then the pain got too much.

And I let out a scream.

"My ribs," I gasped. "Mike, get off. They hurt."

Immediately Mike loosened his grip on me, and let me just rest my body on him.

"I'm so sorry, Tracy," said Mike, gently stroking my hair. "I completely forgot about that."

"It's OK," I said, tears still rolling down my cheeks. I paused. "They took you away, in my dream."

"Who did?" asked Mike, taking my right hand.

"The doctors," I said. "They said you were really ill, so you couldn't look after me anymore."

"You poor thing," said Mike, giving my hand a squeeze. "I'm not leaving you, not now, not ever."

I gave a smile, knowing that Mike would always look after me.

Look after me.

Look after me.

Look after me.

Until the day we said goodbye.

* * *

That evening Mike opened the door to the dumping ground. My wrist was in a cast and there was a plaster on my head.

And my ribs were killing me.

Every time I took a breath, pain shot through my chest. Mike supported me, helping me to walk, so I could get to lie down.

"Are you OK?" asked Gina, coming to greet us.

I gave a small nod.

"Few badly bruised ribs, broken wrist, and a head injury" said Mike. He lowered his voice. "She's not doing great, so could you stop the kids coming and asking questions?"

Gina gave a nod.

"Tracy!" said Harry. He came running up to me, but stopped when he saw the pain on my face.

I gave a smile. "Hi, Harry."

"Are you alright?" asked Sapphire, coming up from behind him.

I gave a small nod, before my energy left me. I let my body collapse onto Mike as I struggled to stand.

Mike held me up, supporting me. "It's alright, Trace, it's alright." He then helped me to the sofa where we both sat down. "You OK?"

I gave a small nod, before I rested my head on Mike. I hurt all over and just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.

"Just relax, Tracy," said Mike. He began to stroke my hair.

Johnny then appeared in the hall. "Tracy? Are you alright?"

I gave a weak nod.

"I'm so sorry," he said, coming closer. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't realise we were so close to the stairs, I..."

Mike cut him off. "I know, Johnny," he said. "Tracy knows you didn't mean to." He smiled at him. "You're not going to get into trouble."

Johnny let out a sigh of relief.

"I need to speak to Gina now, so you go and find the others, tell them that Tracy's OK," said Mike.

Johnny gave a nod, before he left.

* * *

 **Mike POV**

"What is it?" asked Gina, moving Gus' piano stool and sitting on it.

I looked down at Tracy and smiled when I saw she was asleep. "She's really not very well," I said. "She was awful at the hospital, and she just kept crying all the time." I sighed. "I think she wants someone to show they really care about her."

"And you want to be that person," said Gina.

I nodded. "Yeah. She needs someone to look after her."

"What about you?" asked Gina.

I sighed: with everything that had happened today I'd completely forgotten I'd told Gina about my dad. "I'll be fine," I said. "The kids and Tracy need me."

Gina placed her hand on my shoulder. "Why don't you just take a few days off?" she said gently. "The kids will be fine, and I can look after Tracy, and..."

I cut her off. "No," I said firmly. "I have my duties here, and I'm not prepared to let the kids down." I looked down at Tracy. "And I promised Tracy that I'd be there for her. I'm not breaking that promise."

"But she knows what happened," said Gina. "I'm sure she'd understand..."

"Yes, she would," I said. "And that's all part of the problem. She's just trying to make everyone happy, even if it makes her upset, and sooner or later she'll have another panic attack." I looked Gina in the eye. "And I'm not doing that to her. She's got enough on her plate already." I paused, and looked down at Tracy. "We're looking after each other, and we're both going to be fine."

"If you're sure," said Gina.

"I am," I said. I then looked down at Tracy again. "I'm going to take her to the quiet room," I said. "She needs some rest."

Gina nodded. "I'll just go and get your duvets from upstairs." She then got up and went upstairs.

I gave a small smile, before I scooped Tracy into my arms, and carried her to the quiet room.

* * *

 **Tracy POV**

I woke up in a panic as I felt someone place me on a sofa.

"Mike!" I screamed. "Mike!"

I opened my eyes to see Mike knelt next to me, his hand under my head.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Mike," I said quietly.

I immediately felt safe: Mike was with me, and very soon Gina came into the room with my duvet. She had Mike's with her as well.

"Here you go," she said. She put the duvet over me and I snuggled into it, my eyes already closing.

"Poor mite," said Mike quietly. "Poor, poor little mite."

I let some tears escape from my eyes, unable to stop myself crying at Mike's care.

"Shh," said Mike gently, stroking my hair. "Shh, shh."

Gina put her hand on Mike's shoulder. "Remember, I'm here if you need to talk, yeah?"

Mike nodded.

"And just remember that you have to put yourself first sometimes," she said gently.

"Tracy's more important," said Mike. "She needs me."

I gave a small smile.

"It's my job to look after her," he said. "I'm not putting myself first until she's better." He sighed. "The poor thing was in hospital this afternoon."

Gina gave a sigh. "OK, but, just remember we're worried about you too," she said. She gestured to me. "She wants to help too."

I opened my eyes and smiled at Mike. "Gina's right," I said. "I want to help you like you're helping me. You need to let people care about you too."

Mike raised his eyebrows. "Who's meant to be in charge here?"

I let out a small laugh, but I was quickly cut off as I winced in pain.

Mike took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Come on, get some rest," he said. He gave me a smile. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

I gave a small smile, before I settled down.

Settled down.

Settled down.

Settled down.

Until I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up again in the middle of the night. Mike was there next to me, a lamp on the coffee table, and he gave me a smile.

"You OK?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm OK." I looked around. "You not going to sleep?"

Mike gave me a smile. "I thought I'd stay up and see if you were alright."

I gave him a small smile back. "Can we call Cam?" I looked down. "I know it's the middle of the night and everything, but I haven't had a chance to talk to her today, and..."

Mike cut me off by lifting my chin and giving me a smile. "Of course we can." He stood up. "Is your laptop in your room?"

I nodded.

"I'll just go and get it." Mike left the room and came back a minute later with the laptop.

"Here you go," he said. He put it on the table and turned it on whilst I sat up. I then typed a message to Cam, and a few seconds later she appeared on the screen.

"Tracy!" she said as soon as she saw me. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you."

I looked to Mike, then back at the screen. "There's been a lot going on." I held up my wrist that was in the cast.

"Oh my God!" said Cam. "What happened?"

"I fell down the stairs," I said. I quickly made up a lie, not wanting Cam to get angry with Johnny. "I was just so tired, and I lost my footing, and..."

"You poor thing," said Cam, interrupting me. She looked at her watch. "Right, if I'm quick I've got time to get to the airport before the next plane leaves..."

"No, Cam, don't do that," I said. I gave her a quick smile. "I'm fine. Really, I am."

Mike gave me a look. "Can I have a word?"

I passed him the laptop, before lying back down on the sofa.

* * *

 **Mike POV**

"Mike?" said Cam when she saw me. "Is everything alright?"

I quickly looked to Tracy, who had her eyes closed, before I shook my head.

"She's not doing very well," I said quietly. "She had another panic attack yesterday, which I don't think she told you about..."

"Oh, poor thing," said Cam, putting her hand over her mouth. "Right, I'm going to the airport right now, and..."

She stopped as Tracy started to scream.

"Wait a minute," I said quickly. I went over and shook Tracy awake, before I brought the laptop over and went to sit by her, letting her cry as we hugged.

"Tracy?" said Cam anxiously. "Are you alright?"

Tracy gave a small shake of her head.

"She's having a really hard time at the moment," I said. "She's only saying that you can stay in New York and that she's fine because she wants you to be happy." I sighed. "It's breaking her in two."

I saw tears come to Cam's eyes. "Right, I'm coming home right now, and..."

* * *

 **Tracy POV**

"No, Cam, don't," I said quickly. "I don't need you to, and I want you to stay at your job."

"But Tracy, look at you," said Cam. "If I came back you could stay at home with me"

"And you could have some time off work," added Mike.

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Look, I don't need your help," I said. "I can manage by myself."

With that I lay back down on the sofa, curled up into a small ball, and began to cry.

"Oh, Trace," said Mike, coming over to me and rubbing my back. "Come on, it's OK. You're alright. I'm here."

I gripped Mike's arm with my good hand, trying desperately to calm down.

"Tracy?"

Cam's voice made me jump, and Mike and me both looked to the laptop.

"Are you alright?"

I gave a nod.

"Look, Trace, just please let me come back." She sighed. "The editor will understand, and then I'll be home, and I can get a job here, and everything will be alright."

"I said no," I said, even though there were tears still rolling down my cheeks.

"I'm going to go and see the editor," said Cam. "I'm not leaving you like this."

"But that's not fair!" I said. "You worked really hard for that job. Don't leave it just because of me."

"But you're my daughter!" said Cam. "I've got to do what's right for you."

"And that's staying in New York." I paused, looking quickly at Mike. "I just want you to be happy, it doesn't matter if I'm not, I don't care, and..."

I broke off as I let out a sob.

"And I'll just deal with whatever life throws at me." I pulled out of Mike's hold and sat up on the sofa. "It's not fair to keep ruining your life."

Mike mouthed a quick, "I'll talk to her," and Cam nodded, before she ended the call. He then came to sit next to me on the sofa.

"Now," he said, "something's happened." His tone softened. "What is it?"

"I've just realised how unfair I'm being," I said. "It must be horrible for you, and it's just not fair. You mean so much to me, I can't keep doing this to you."

"But I've chosen to look after you," said Mike. "It's my job to care."

"Yeah, I know, but..." I trailed off. "It's not fair, and I'm sorry." I looked Mike in the eye. "And, the way you've just stuck by me and all of that, when you could have just left me, and you've just been really nice to me all the time..." I trailed off again. "It's not fair to keep doing this to you."

Just then there was a knock at the door. Mike went over and opened it, and I saw Tee was there, holding a parcel wrapped in colourful paper.

"Hello, Tee," said Mike, giving her a smile. "What do you want?"

Tee hesitated. "Well, I came down to get a drink, and I heard you talking, I didn't hear what you said, don't worry, and so I brought this." She came into the room and handed the parcel to me. "This is for you."

I looked to Mike, before I slowly unwrapped it, tears coming to my eyes as I saw what was inside.

"I know you're probably too old, but I thought it might help," said Tee, explaining the present. "Give you something as a comfort."

I smiled as I picked up the teddy bear. "She's adorable!" I looked at the pale pink fur the teddy was made of, and the dark pink bow around the teddy's neck. "It is a she isn't it?"

Tee nodded.

"And you made her specially for me?" I asked.

Tee smiled. "Yeah. Do you like her?"

I smiled back. "I love her." I gave her a hug. "Thank you."

Tee hugged me back. "I thought you would."

Mike smiled. "That's very thoughtful of you, Tee." He ruffled her hair. "You OK?"

Tee nodded. "I'd better go back to bed." She smiled. "Night, Mike. Night, Tracy."

I smiled back. "Goodnight, Tee."

Mike gave a smile too. "Night, Tee."

Tee gave one last smile before she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Mike came and sat next to me on the sofa, giving me a smile. "They really care about you, you know."

I smiled.

"And that's why we're doing all of this" said Mike. "Because we care." He sighed. "Look, I know you won't believe me, but I don't care how horrible it is for me, or how much it hurts me, or how much I cry." He took my hand. "I just want to be here for you make you happy."

I looked up at Mike's face, and gave him a smile. "I do believe you," I said. "I get it now. It's like me with the kids. Anything bad happens to them, I want to be there, trying to make things better."

Mike smiled, before he pulled me towards him for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, giving a little smile, knowing that Mike would always be there for me, and now knowing that he wouldn't leave me, no matter what happened.

And then I remembered what had happened to Mike yesterday morning (it had just gone past midnight), and I knew that I would always be there for him as well, no matter how much it hurt me, just to make him happy.

We'd be there for each other.

Each other.

Each other.

Each other.

Until we didn't need to anymore.

* * *

I slept for the rest of the night. I'd gone back to sleep holding Mike's hand, and that, along with Tee's teddy bear, had been enough to relax me so I could get a proper night's sleep.

Mike smiled at me as I opened my eyes.

"You feeling any better?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, a lot." I gave him a smile back. "Are you OK?"

Mike nodded, but I could see the tears in his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close.

"It's alright," I said. "I'm here, I can look after you, I'm not going anywhere."

I held him tighter as he began to sob.

"Shh," I said, trying to soothe him. "Shh. Shh."

I felt Mike grip a handful of the material at the back of my top, obviously trying to find something to comfort himself. I let him take it, just wanting to make him happy any way I could.

After a few minutes Mike pulled away, and he gave me a small smile.

"You OK?" I asked.

Mike nodded. "Yeah, I'm OK now." He sighed. "It's just, you know."

I gave him a smile. "Yeah, I know." I took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "But I'm here if you need me, yeah?"

Mike nodded, and squeezed my hand back.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I decided to speak.

"You ready to go and get breakfast?" I asked.

Mike nodded, before he stood up, and then helped me up. "Your ribs still hurt?"

I nodded. "Yeah, not as bad as yesterday though." I gave Mike a smile. "We'll be OK, won't we?"

Mike smiled back. "Of course we will."

And as we walked towards the kitchen, I knew that Mike would always look after me and be there for me, and I'd always be there for him.

And I knew we'd look after one another.

One another.

One another.

One another.

Until we pulled through.

* * *

 **Six months later**

* * *

It had taken a while, but we'd done it. Mike and I had looked after each other, me being there for Mike when he just needed a shoulder to cry on, him being there for me to help me through any panic attacks, and then hold me when I cried afterwards.

And, six months on, we were doing alright.

And Cam was back from New York.

I still remember the day she told me. She'd had a word with the editor, and told her how I'd been feeling whilst she was away. Turns out the editor had already set up a branch of the magazine in the UK, before going over to take it to the US.

And that meant that Cam could come back home to me.

It was great, having her back. I no longer had to spend nights at home on my own, no longer had to feel scared.

Cam had to go to London once a week, but to be honest, after being surrounded by people all day, a few hours at home by myself was quite nice.

And she was always back by about 9:00.

Mike was a lot happier too. Obviously there were still times when he'd be upset, but he was getting better and better all the time, and I was really pleased that he was managing to cope.

And so now, as I lay on my bed, listening to Cam watching TV in the living room, I smiled. I then glanced at the teddy Tee had made me, sitting on my desk, and I remembered something. I was so lucky, to have all those people that cared about me and were looking after me, and I was very grateful for all the help they had given me.

And so, with that thought in my head, I closed my eyes and smiled.

Smiled.

Smiled.

Smiled.

Until I fell asleep.

 **A/N Wow, that was a bit longer than expected! XD (The story without the A/Ns is exactly 25,000 words! XD) I really enjoyed writing it though, and it will give me something to read it I want cute Tracy/ Mike 'Chain Reaction' related stuff. XD**

 **Seriously though, I think that writing something like this has helped me a lot. Many times during this I used my own experiences to write from. I think it just helps to write it down, get it out. Also, as I was then able to put myself as Tracy, I could imagine that I had Mike comforting me like she did, and that helps cheer me up (especially as the closest thing I had to Mike was a teacher at school, and so obviously I could only see him on weekdays, and only in term time, and no one was there during any of my panic attacks). So yeah, I loved writing this, and Tracy/ Mike is so adorable as well that when reading this back I just kept going "Aw!" as I imagined watching what was happening! XD**

 **I also hope that if there's anyone out there who is going/ has gone through anything like this, that this will help you to realise you're not on your own. (Also, do the thing I did with imagining Mike's there when you get upset, it really works!) And if you haven't been through anything like this, I hope you can now realise what it's like for someone who is. :-)**

 **Feel free to PM me if you are going through any of this and want advice, or just someone to talk to, especially if you don't want others to know (as when you tell someone who you actually know, they tend to tell people who they think should know, even if you don't want them to). I would be happy to help, or just lend an ear (eye would probably be more appropriate here as I'm reading it, not listening to it) if you want to just say stuff about things that are bothering you. :-)**

 **Right, now I've done the emotional stuff bit, I'll get back to the story! XD I really hope you enjoyed this, even though it was so long. If you've managed to get through all of this, please leave a review (a long one would be preferred given the length of this story, but I won't mind if you don't XD) so I know what you thought. If you have time, it would be nice to know particular things you liked and didn't like, your favourite parts or lines, so I could use those things in my other stories. :-)**

 **I also need to thank my friend WhimsicalMoon for proof reading this story for me and telling me if there was anything I needed to improve. She also did some copying and pasting for me when I was changing things around at the beginning of the story and adding things in. Whilst I was doing this, my phone decided to be particularly annoying and close every time I tried to paste what I'd written to a different place, so she did it for me, using instructions over Facebook (which wasn't the easiest thing to do! XD). So, thank you! :-D**

 **Anyway, I'd better stop now as I should have gone to bed ages ago, and at this rate the author's note is going to be as long as the story! XD Just one last hope you enjoyed it, and please review! :-D**


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